Let Me Tell You The Story Of The Greatest Athlete To Ever Live, Bryan Beer
So this week on KFC Radio the question was posed. Would you rather win a piece of the Aggro Crag from GUTS or a Gold Medal. Now in that hypothetical I’m assuming the gold medal is some shitty individual sport that no one cares about. Like a gold medal in Archery vs the Crag. Obviously if we’re talking about a real sport that people watch (Basketball, Hockey, 100M sprint, super slalom etc) I’ll take the Gold Medal, otherwise I’m 100% choosing the Aggro Crag. Thousands upon thousands of people have gold medals in meaningless sports, there are like 200 people tops that have a piece of the glowing rock. That type of uniqueness can’t be beat.
Anyway, with the question of GUTS coming up I told the story about the greatest athlete of all time. Back in College when I didn’t ever go to class, my roommate and I used to dvr two things every day. Price is Right and GUTS. And one day, like a flash of light across the midnight sky we happened across the most gifted athlete to ever walk this earth. A PERFECT SCORE. Never been done. Lapped the competition. Total Domination. You know when people talk about transcendental athletes? Michael Jordan, Barry Sanders, Bo Jackson, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Guys that made you stop and say wow, I’ve never seen anything like that. Well that’s how I feel when I watch this tape. Bryan Beer is a once in a lifetime athlete. A guy you’ll someday tell your grandchildren about. Size, Speed, Skill, Intelligence. You name it Bryan Beer had it.
“Ain’t no one taking my perfect game”
Now obviously the story doesn’t end there. I think everyone knows by now that I have little shame when it comes to getting in touch with my heroes/internet girlfriends. That’s not something new either. This whole thing went down in 2006/7. Getting in touch with people I see on TV/the internet in sometimes inappropriate ways is something instilled deep inside my heart.
So Bryan Beer. 13 year old Bryan Beer Spilled his guts. And part of his GUTS spilling was him mentioning his middle school baseball team. Big Mistake Bryan. I then used this information to find his hometown and through the White Pages get his phone number. And I called. And I spoke to Bryan Beer Senior who told me that Bryan Beer II no longer lives at his house as he is a full grown man. Fair Enough. But at least I had his house number. So I called again on a couple of holidays, times when Bryan Beer II would be home. I just wanted to talk with him. To ask him how he did it. How he got a Perfect Score. This was like my 30/30 but instead of being a real filmmaker with credentials I was just a college kid trying to call a grown man because he won a Gameshow back in 1994 when he was 13 years old, same thing really. Anyway, after 3-4 times of calling I gave up. Bryan Beer was my Moby Dick, and the white whale conquered me. And honestly, I hadn’t thought of Bryan Beer until last night when we got that Voicemail. And with it all those memories came flooding back. So with the help of the Stoolies I now have Bryan Beer’s email address and I will finish this search. I will speak to Bryan Beer. We will get the full story on what winning the Crag is like. What being a force of nature at such a young age means. I have questions and they will be answered.
Bryan Beer, we were destined to be friends. Lets do it.