I feel like Ron Burgundy right now. I had a simple hypothetical that my friends and I were talking about at the bar on Sunday and next thing you know I’m a Mexican Day Laborer eating Burritos for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of my life. Not sure how we got here but we’re here. You know back in college when you and your friends decided that it would be awesome to do a case race or play Edward 40 hands. You get all jacked up and excited then you start and after about 90 seconds that wave comes over you where you’re just sitting there saying to yourself “Why the hell did I agree to this?”. Well that’s me right now. But a bet is a bet, and when I agree to something I don’t back down. I made my bed, now its time to eat burritos and shit my pants in it.
So here are the official rules.
First, what we are eating
-Dave will eat only plain cheese pizza
-I will eat only Burritos. My burrito will consist of Meat, Beans, Salsa, Cheese, Guacamole, Lettuce, Sour Cream and Peppers. There was a discussion last night about Rice. People saying without Rice its just a wrap. That is flat out wrong. Without Beans its a wrap. Beans make a burrito a burrito. An authentic Mexican Burrito never has rice. Go into any real mexican joint and ask for rice and they’ll laugh in your face. The Mexicans invented it. Saying you need rice is absolutely absurd. Rice is the filling that shitty burrito places use to hide their crappy ingredients.
And guess what, Dave is eating plain cheese pizza, which in my mind is nuts. Pres doesn’t have to add toppings just like I shouldn’t have to add rice. In my opinion a Pizza without a meat topping is a joke, but like many people said, cheese pizza is the original, the baseline. Well under that EXACT same reasoning, beans, tortilla, and meat are the original, the baseline for a burrito. I will always eat the tortilla, I will never open it up and cheat, I will always fill it with everything else everyone loves about burritos (salsa, sour cream, cheese, etc), but I’m not putting rice in it. I think this is completely fair. Plain Cheese Pizza, No Rice Burrito. The bet is valid.
Rules (Start Date March 10th)
1. Same exact order every time (This means I cant add steak if I didn’t have steak from Day 1. Dave cant have toppings on his pizza if his first pizza is plain)
2. You can go to different Restaurants (I originally said no to this, the hypothetical in its truest form is same food same place for eternity, but Pres wants to go on a pizza tour across New England so I’m conceding this one because that’s something the world should see. Chicago stoolies, send me suggestions for burrito places as I’ll do the same [email protected] )
3. Weigh in to start,Weigh in every week after that
4. No other food at all (no snacks, no tortilla chips, no baguettes, or bagels, this is on honor system so if any stoolies see either of us out in public breaking these rules feel free to let the other person know)
6. No Restrictions on Drinks.
7. First one to crack loses.
The winner gets pride and Type 2 Diabetes.
As for Odds. Lets break it down.
Burritos are healthier. No one would disagree. Unfortunately for me I’m fighting against a man who doesn’t care about health. Its like the old saying “Fear the Man who has nothing to lose”. Well that’s pres and health. He’s had a heart attack. He has no fear of another. I mean look at what he emailed me after we decided to do this challenge.
“Can I eat popcorn at the movies? And can I eat ice cream? That’s all I care about”.
So a man about to embark on a possibly never ending Pizza eating challenge is worried about whether or not he can eat Ice Cream and Popcorn. I may be eating healthier but Its still not healthier than a man who doesn’t even know what health means.
Point – Pres
Pres is going plain cheese. My burrito has multiple items in it. I feel like this alone gives me the edge but unfortunately we are now ordering from multiple locations. A cheese pizza at one place can be totally different at another. Sauce, cheese, crust, huge variety in that. I give this one slightly to Pres.
Point – Pres
Probably one of the most important parts of this bet. Will I have diarrhea? Yes. Will I shit my pants? Probably. But you know what I’ll also have, semi regular or too regular bowel movements. I honestly don’t think Dave will ever shit again eating just cheese Pizza. He’s going to be a huge ball of constipation just waddling around Boston. I’d take shitting my pants over that all day everyday.
Point – Big Cat
The First Lady
Dave is in trouble here. Big Trouble. The First Lady has already made him draft up an exercise contract.
If we’re being perfectly honest, I think in a vacuum Dave wins this competition (as long as he doesn’t literally die) but with outside pressure and exercise contracts he’s in trouble. I know the guy can eat pizza, but keep an exercise contract? No way. This is my biggest advantage.
Point – Big Cat
I’m pretty sure all of New England is going to fund this challenge for Pres. He probably will have a new pizza shipped to the office every single day for free. I on the other hand am probably footing the bill on this one. Haven’t looked at the Barstool core demographics but I’m taking a wild guess that Mexican people aren’t exactly pounding us with pageviews every month. Just a gut feeling. So I’m looking at 2 (if I don’t eat breakfast) or 3 burritos a day. I always make jokes how I’m not poor, well lets just say those jokes will probably be less frequent as soon as this challenge starts.
Point – Pres
So there it is. Line is set
Big Cat +120
El Pres -140
O/U Days before challenge is over 13.5
I’m not excited about this but I’m ready. El Pres is going to grandstand and make a show of it, I’m in it for the long haul. Its a marathon. All it takes is focus. Food is fuel and nothing more. Taste doesn’t matter. I’m just going to visualize myself as T-1000 from Terminator. Starting March 10th Big Cat is going into straight up Machine Mode.
So who wins? Vote 1 for Big Cat is going to win, and 10 for Pres will outlast Big Cat and his second heart attack.