Detroit Opens New Water Park But Because It's Detroit There Is No Actual Water

(source) The city of Detroit was hoping to make a big splash with the grand opening of a new splash park. But, to do that – you need water. Thankfully, Detroit firefighters were there to provide it after a water main break.  They served up free ice cold bottled water and delicious grilled hot dogs. The T-shirts looked good reading “Palmer Park Splash Park” and the ribbon cutting went well. Just one little glitch at the new park, there was no water! A water main break dried up the splash park for its grand opening! “We had a mishap with a water main that broke,” explained Detroit Mayor Dave Bing. “We have a water system that’s 100 years old so those things happen.”

But Mayor Bing did two things: he called the fire department and he called the water department. Detroit fire came to the rescue, pulling up an engine and opening a hose to cool the kids off. “It’s didn’t quite go as planned,” said Alex Williams who brought his daughter. “The fire department stepped up and it’s made it fun for everyone.” The water department is working on the problem and we’re told it should be fixed on Monday. The new state of the art splash park became a reality with a generous donation from the Lear Corporation. A city filing for bankruptcy gets a lift from Lear, a concerned corporate citizen.

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Fucking Detroit. So classic. New water park opening? Might as well not have the single most important part, you know, the actual water. Not like anyone expected that right? Detroit is that friend that everyone has that just can’t get out of his own way. The friend that will get caught cheating on his girlfriend while butt dialing her in his pocket. Or accidentally replies all to a company email bashing someone in the office. Or declares bankruptcy even though he’s a city and no one knew that was even possible. That’s Detroit. No matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries, he’ll still always be Detroit, and thus will finish last in virtually everything.