Things Men Know How To Do

So the other day I was with my dad and he noticed my car needed an oil change. Told me “make sure it gets done. Just go buy some oil and swap it out. Do it before you drive anywhere far.” I, of course, responded “Yeah, yeah sure thing.” When in reality, I haven’t the faintest idea how to change oil. Like nowhere near close to a clue. I’m OK admitting that because I’ve never pretended to be a man. And it got me thinking, what are things that men know how to do. Here’s the list I’ve compiled.

Change oil – Do I know how to change my own oil? No, I’m not Bear Grylls. I live in a big city (h/t The Onion), not New Mexico. I don’t eat egg sandwiches at gas stations with my hands covered in grease. The only thing I know how to do when it comes to changing oil is how to say “No, I’m good” to the Jiffy Lube guy when he tells me my “fan is dirty” and need a new one.

Carve a turkey – Anyone ever tried to carve a turkey? Potentially the most difficult thing in history. I just hack away at it like I’m George Washington chopping down the Cherry Tree. No real rhyme or reason to anything I do. I think medical school is just a bunch of wannabe surgeons carving Thanksgiving diner for my grandfather. It’s that hard. If you can carve a turkey, you can perform open heart surgery.

Pull Out – Whether we want to admit it or not, keeping a chick not pregnant is the guy’s job. If you don’t know how to provide for a family then you need to know how to pull out. I don’t know how to do either. I get so nervous about pulling out that I do it like 5 minutes early. Sex for me is jerking off while sitting on an unhappy person.

Throw a spiral – This one sounds simple, but it also might be the most important. You know the kid you made fun of on the playground because when he threw a football he looked like Michael J Fox getting attacked by bees? Now picture him as an adult. Nowhere near a man.

Tie a tie/Wear a suit – Ever see a guy strolling down the street in a suit that looks like he stole it out of his grandfather’s casket? Maybe one of the saddest things you can ever see. You know that guy isn’t a man. He’ll go home and his wife will yell at him for not making enough money and forgetting the milk. Then his kid will say “nice suit, dickhead” when he asks him to turn off the Xbox and come to dinner. It’s making me depressed even thinking about it.

Parallel park – There’s a lot of car shit on this list. Because along with parking, “changing a tire” deserves to be on here. To be a man I guess you need to be a gearhead grease monkey. It’s why Elaine liked Puddy so much, after all. So I split this category. I know as much about parallel parking as I don’t know about changing tires. My ex sucked at parking and when she’d ask if I could do it that was the most manly I’ve ever felt. Sad but true.

50 pushups – self explanatory. Men can roll out of bed and bang out 50.

That’s what I got. Obviously there’s shit like hunting and whatnot. But I don’t think that’s absolutely to be a man nowadays. Maybe back in the day when you had to club bitches and drag them back to your cave to fuck. But I think as far as absolute musts to be a man today, this is the list.

And no, I’m not a man. That much is obvious.

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