I want to punch the Stoolies in the nose and watch them bleed right now. Hey assholes WAKE UP. We raised fucking 50 dollars for Greg Olsen’s kickball tournament. Are you fucking shitting me? 1 person donated money. One. Some dude Chris Taylor. I don’t know who that is, but I like that guy. Everybody else sucks dick. What are Stoolies fucking pro cancer or something? I mean 50 bucks? That is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in the history of Barstool Sports. Our big bad website raised 50 fucking dollars to beat cancer. What a joke.
Now I know what everybody is gonna say. Hey Pres why would we donate money to charity when we know you’re just embezzling it and shit, blah, blah, blah. Usually that won’t bother me. I know that Stoolies bust balls. I know the comment section is filled with certified retards. I get that. And I know people who honestly believe that I spent the money are either brain dead or just hate me because I probably steamrolled them at some point during the past decade. But here is the thing. When this starts effecting raising money for cancer research then I got to step in and rip people a new asshole. Because that’s the only explanation I can come up to as to how we only raised 50 freaking dollars for the Olsen tournament.
So let me say this loud and clear for all you fucking morons who keep chirping about the Boston Strong tshirt money. For the 9 billionth time I’m waiting for One Fund to give out their money first. That happens at the end of June you dickfucks. How many times do I have to say it? I have a check for $237K sitting on my fucking desk unopened right now. (Well I just opened it for this video to show that it’s sitting here). Once onefund gives out their money and the dust settles we’ll put our 250K to good use and I’ll tell you exactly where it goes just like I’ve said from day fucking 1.
Oh and as far as the Mayor money goes? That’s fucking crystal clear too. I paid 19K to a signature company just like I said I was gonna. It’s public freaking record. They got like 4,500 signatures for me. I turned in 5K. The election committee threw out over half of them. They can do that for reasons like the signatures weren’t legible, they weren’t a registered voter, or they already signed for a different candidate. You can’t sign twice which is the dumbest rule in America. Either way it’s not the signature companies fault. They can’t know if somebody already signed or lies about being registered. They don’t give me a refund if I don’t make the ballot. It’s called politics. You think fucking Mitt Romney refunded everybody who donated to his campaign after he lost? No. And as an FYI I spend 10K of my own money on the Mayor campaign. I ain’t getting that shit back either. That’s also public record. So everybody can kiss my ass on that one too. Nobody got fucked harder than me there. Unless you think I like throwing 10K out the window on nothing.
So back to this Greg Olson kickball tournament. This thing is in two weeks. I told him we’d have the most money raised by a long shot. I look like a god damn asshole right now. This is the first time I’ve been letdown by the Stoolies in a situation like this. Usually we rise to the occasion for good causes. That’s our way of telling all the feminists and PC assholes to shove it. We show up when it matters. Not this time. This is a fucking disgrace so far. It’s time to change that. If you believe in what we’re all about it’s time to fucking donate. Donate 50 bucks and we’ll send you an official team tshirt. The money goes directly to Greg Olson’s foundation. Don’t make angry Pres come out again. It’s not a pretty sight. Oh and fuck you Chiddy Bang.