Barstool Sports

Washington (CNN) — Legendary baseball pitcher Roger Clemens was found not guilty Monday of lying to Congress during an investigation of steroid use among major league players. The case against Clemens involved one count of obstruction of Congress, three counts of making false statements and two counts of perjury. He was not charged with illicit use of performance-enhancing drugs, but his denial of such use was part of the case against him. A federal jury found him not guilty on all six counts. Clemens wiped his eyes after the verdict was announced, then hugged his likewise emotional sons. His lawyer, Rusty Hardin, meanwhile, gave a thumbs-up to the jury before leaving the courtroom… Clemens thanked his family, lawyers and others who have supported him during the trial and in the years since he was accused of using illicit performance enhancing drugs. “I put a lot of hard work into that career,” he told reporters

I’m starting to get the feeling 2012 isn’t my year.  Eli Manning tears my heart out of my chest and takes a huge bite out of it.  Again.  The Bruins and Celtics can’t make it to the Finals.  Lebron is 2 wins away from getting off the career schneid.  Now I can’t even watch a loathsome human being get sent off to jail to cheer me up.  First John Edwards walks, and now I’ll never get the chance to check “See Roger Clemens get led away in chains” off my Bucket List.  What a horrible disappointment.

And to be clear, this has nothing whatsoever to do with steroids.  In time, the world will look back on juicing in baseball as the biggest non-scandal scandal in sports history.  And I don’t care that he lied.  Congress charging people with lying is like zoo monkeys accusing tourists of flinging poo.  No, I just wanted to see that smug, arrogant smirk wiped off Clemens’ face for the first time since he left for Toronto in 1997.  I wanted to see that same stunned look of horror in his eyes Andy Dufresne had when they found him guilty of killing his wife and the golf pro.  I wanted to wake up in the morning believing that in the middle of the night some kidnapper traded Rocket to some axe-murderer for a pack of smokes.  And I wanted these things as payback for his last 4 years in Boston when he was a fat, lazy, selfish, money-grubbing malcontent who mailed it in and was a .500 pitcher. Mostly I want him in jail for not juicing until he left town. And all those offseason Dog & Pony shows about where he was going to sign.  He wants to live closer to Kody and Koby.  He’s so close with Andy Petittite.  He has so much respect for Drayon McLain.  Blah blah blah… When every year he ended up signing with the highest bidder. Without fail Like Bill Lee once said of Pete Rose, “I want to see him hung upside down from his Achilles tendons on meathooks.  But not for gambling.  Just because he’s an asshole.”  I won’t get my wish on Clemens.  And as sad as I am about it, at least Suzyn Waldman is happy:

@JerryThornton1