Barstool Sports

Commerce Township— A 46-year-old Farmington man is jailed and expected to face charges after apparently faking his own drowning Monday night at a Commerce Township gravel pit. Deputies from the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office were called out to the area of Sleeth Road and McAlpine Drive about 7:30 p.m. for a possible drowning. A 39-year-old Milford woman told deputies the pair was swimming across the gravel pit when her boyfriend disappeared. The woman made an emergency 911 call because the man went under and never resurfaced. The sheriff’s dive team was alerted, but called off after some of its members who arrived at the gravel pit found the man in the water, conscious and alert. A preliminary investigation indicated the couple had argued and the man went into the water and threatened to drown himself. He then hid from the frantic woman, deputies said.

I’m not too sure where this whole “fake” drowning accusation is coming from. Who determines that? You want to charge the guy with unsuccessfully drowning himself that’s fine but anybody who has been in a fight with their girlfriend before can definitively state that this wasn’t a fake. Get 5 minutes into an argument with your girlfriend and you’re frantically searching for the nearest gravel pit to play Marco Polo with the Pearly Gates. Walk out into the abyss like Edna from The Awakening as your girl jabbers jaw about how her ex was a better swimmer and could hold his breath longer and actually knew the technique of the breast stroke and shit. Just trying to get under your skin. Whatever sweetheart. Marrrrcooooooo.