Barstool Sports

This is an actual message Larry Lucchino sent out to Sox season ticket holders.  The bracketed italic parts I added:

Dear Season Ticket Holder:

As we cross the midpoint of our 2012 season, we thank you for your loyal support thus far.  We met many of you at our new spring home, JetBlue Park at Fenway South, and renewed more acquaintances as we opened the 100^th Anniversary season at Fenway Park.  We sensed that the nostalgia touched you [and distracted you from the awful present], and we hope to continue to celebrate this special anniversary from time to time throughout the year [by shelling out $250 for a brick.  We'll still take your order].

Our play on the field has at times tested the mettle of the faithful.  It could be maddening one day, enthralling the next day [otherwise know as "being .500 and tied for last place"].  Along the way, we have seen our bullpen gel [10 Blown Saves in 32 opportunities], young players emerge, and veterans lead [us down a dark, dark path].  We have watched the team coalesce into a close group [or to put it more accurately, 12 separate cliquey  groups who come together to agree on one thing: how much they hate the manager].   Personalities are enhancing the chemistry, such as the cheerful Cody Ross, the friendly Mike Aviles, [the impish Josh Beckett, the coquettish John Lackey, the foppish Dice-K] and the inspiring story of Daniel Nava.  Jarrod Saltalamacchia has shown power, in the clutch, worthy of an All-Star.  And as the talented Will Middlebrooks forced his way into the lineup, we bade farewell, with gratitude, to Kevin Youkilis, who helped us win two World Championships [before Bobby Valentine questioned his work ethic and we shipped his ass out of town for a fistful of pizza coupons].

The one constant on the field has been our beloved Big Papi, David Ortiz. [And the one constant off the field has been his bitching about making $14.5 million.] How thrilled we were that our gregarious leader reached the 400-home run plateau in a career that we hope will forever be with the Red Sox.

The one constant off the field is that we have had a veritable All-Star Team on the disabled list [because we can't be bothered to get in shape].  As we begin the second half, we look forward to the return of the “varsity,” including Jacoby Ellsbury [once Scott Boras tells him it's in his financial interest to play again], Carl Crawford [.289 OBP last year!], Andrew Bailey [and his surgically-reconstructed thumb], and the ever-dirty Dustin Pedroia [who hates his manager so much he won't go to a mound conference when Bobby V is there].

While this infusion of such talent in late July may make other General Managers green with envy, you can be sure that Ben Cherington and his Baseball Operations Staff will approach the July 31 trading deadline with their tireless work ethic [if they know what's good for them].  If someone can further help this club, and if the deal makes sense, we will be aggressive.  We want to play October Baseball this year. [And if Cherington doesn't pull it off, there's always the old "He's addicted to painkillers story in the Globe" trick.]

Meanwhile, as you come to Fenway Park throughout this season, we hope you will come early—the secret to fully enjoying a sports venue [and to load up on $8 Sam Adams].  Now “A Living Museum,” Fenway Park probably leads the league in bronze plaques and commemorative displays [and $250 bricks] along the concourses [and obstructed view seats].  Enjoy them at your leisure early, well before the escalation of excitement as game time approaches.  And as always, if you have reactions, suggestions, or ideas that will make the ballpark experience even better, we invite you to send them to fanfeedback@redsox.com. [Suggestions about lower prices will fall on deaf ears, however.]

By the way, if we’re in your neighborhood for a visit during “Acts of Kindness Month” this month, please come over and say hello.  We enjoy listening to you, and we enjoy talking baseball with you.  We’re your biggest fans.  So, on behalf of John Henry, Tom Werner, our partners, and our entire organization, we thank you again, and we look forward to seeing you at Fenway Park [so we can keep up the "Consecutive Sellout Streak fiction].

Keep the Faith,

Larry Lucchino [Large, in charge, and running this show, believe me]