With the love and support of my friends and family (and a shitload of blood doping) I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France 5 times in a row
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) – The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency said Thursday night it will strip Lance Armstrong of his unprecedented seven Tour de France titles after he declared he was finished fighting the drug charges that threaten his legacy as one of the greatest cyclists of all time. Travis Tygart, USADA’s chief executive, said Armstrong would also be hit with a lifetime ban on Friday. “There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, “Enough is enough.” For me, that time is now,” Armstrong said in a statement sent to The Associated Press. He called the USADA investigation an “unconstitutional witch hunt.” “I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999,” he said. “The toll this has taken on my family and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today – finished with this nonsense.”
Gotta love Lance Armstrong. Even in defeat the guy is a smug prick. Still maintaining his innocence but just saying he can’t be bothered to keep fighting. Like when you know you’re wrong in an argument and eventually get so deep that you just end it with, “you know what? fine. whatever. think what you want to think.” You know there’s no way out but you still want to say you were right. Look oddly enough I actually remember those Tour de Frances. My dad had cancer right around then and I was a little kid so we’d sit around and cheer him on and shit. Obviously cheating doesn’t take those memories away. Him being a preachy piece of shit doesn’t change it either. Everyone cheats. Everybody knows, nobody cares. Just don’t be such a cunt about it when you get caught. Say “yup, I enhanced my performance for lots and lots of American dollars, for both me and cancer research.” Don’t thump your chest and dare people to challenge you then back down like a pussy when they do. You had brain, ball and lung cancer bro. People would probably understand. But yeah, if you’re really innocent just drop the case and tarnish your name without throwing a punch. I’m sure that’s a decision you won’t regret for the rest of your life.
PS – the reason I really hate Lance Armstrong is because he invented the idea to make everybody walk around feeling like a fucking philanthropist because they’re wearing a $1 colored rubber band on their wrist. That era was beyond insufferable.
Double PS – I still don’t know what the literal definition of irony is but I think it’s that video followed by this story.
Editors Note – Lance is so lucky I”m on Nantucket. I’d rip this balless scumbag a new asshole. Because I’ve been fighting the anti Lance Armstrong fight since the first days of Barstool Sports. Just the biggest fraud in American history. Why we even cared about this guy in the first place I’ll never know. Who cares about bike riding? Who cares about a guy who cheats in bike riding? Probably didn’t even have cancer either. Honestly would it surprise you? He’s pond scum plain and simple.