Barstool Sports

Indianapolis – Jayson Everett, 27, Mooresville, and a woman accompanying him spotted the man while stopping to pick up the woman’s sister from apartments in the 2000 block of North Delaware Street, according to the IMPD report. “Mr. Everett yelled at him from the car,” wrote IMPD Officer Jeffrey Wilkins in a report. “As he exited his car, the subject took his belt off and came at him swinging. A physical fight ensued in which Mr. Everett was struck by the suspect in the face with his fist causing a small contusion below his right eye.” Everett told police he was trying to look out for the safety and sensibilities of the women. “He told the girls to get in the car,” the report states, “and as they attempted to leave the suspect jumped in front of the car and struck the front window with his fist causing it to break. They tried to leave by going northbound on Delaware and the subject ran up behind the car and struck it again, this time shattering the rear window. It started with a man exposing himself and masturbating shortly after midnight Monday outside a Northside apartment building, according to an Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department report.

How crazy do you have to be to do this? To walk up to a guy jerking off in his car and start yelling at him? On what level would that make any sense at all? Getting caught beating off is the ultimate fight or flight moment. You either duck under your covers and pretend nothing was going on or you get up and sprint at the door to try and block it. When you’re jerking off in shotgun there are no covers to hide your dick and balls so instinct takes over. One second you’ve got your eyes closed making a big withdrawal from the spank bank, next second you’re waving your belt like it’s a flail and punching through windshields. It’s science.

PS – after midnight is a totally reasonable time to jerk off in your car. I understand maybe getting mad if it was during rush hour. Like from 7 AM – 10 AM and from 4 PM – 7 PM you’re only allowed behind the wheel with a flaccid dick. But other then that? The streets belong to the freaks. Respect their turf.