Vice – My friend Dan survives on nothing but pizza. It’s said that variety is the spice of life, but for Dan, a 38-year-old woodworker based in Maryland, oregano is the only spice involved, because it’s the only thing that he will put on top of his pizza. Everyone who knows Dan wonders how he’s still alive. Beyond the fact that his diet is completely horrifying, he also has diabetes and frequently gets low blood sugar. When his blood sugar dips into the danger zone, it sometimes results in his blacking out on the kitchen floor in his underwear with frozen food scattered around him. There was that one time he bought a new car and then blacked out on the drive home. He swerved off the road and totaled the vehicle, but besides from that isolated incident, his pizza diet seems to be working out for him. I recently spoke to Dan to hear more about how he came to subsist on gluten, tomato sauce, and cheese alone.
VICE: It’s been said that you’re the king of pizza. How did you get that reputation?
Dan Janssen: I’ve been eating pizza exclusively every day of my life for the past 25 years, and I’m not just talking about a slice of pizza every day. I usually eat an entire 14″ pizza, and I only eat cheese pizza. I never get sick of it. If I go to one pizza shop or another brand, it’s like eating a completely different meal.
VICE: Can I ask what you have been talking about with your therapist?
Dan Jannsen: They’ve helped me uncover some things that I always knew but never realized the significance of. Like when I was four or five, we lived in the backwoods of North Carolina, where I went to daycare in Ms. Stanfill’s home. She would try to feed all of us Brunswick stew every day, which is not something you would ever feed a five-year-old. It’s either chicken, pork, or rabbit with beef and okra, lima beans, corn, potatoes, and tomatoes. I would protest and try to run away, but she would grab me. I can’t remember whether she would beat me or spank me, but I know that she would throw me in a closet as my punishment for not eating the stew. I would sit in there crying and screaming for a couple hours until my mom came to pick me up.
VICE – Wasn’t there was another traumatic story that you mentioned involving your sister?
Dan Jannsen – When I was five, I was in the backyard. My sister fed me some mushrooms, which turned out to be poisonous, and I had to be rushed to the hospital. They fed me Coca-Cola and Karo syrup until I vomited, and then I kept vomiting uncontrollably the entire night. I was fine after that.
Everybody and their grandmother is sending me this article. Being like “Hey Pres you suck. This guy is the King of Pizza. Go kill yourself blah, blah, blah.” Well first things first. Pizza is not a competition. I consider anybody who takes eating pizza seriously as a friend not a competitor. There is nothing I’d love more than to meet a guy who has only eaten pizza for 25 years straight and shake his hand. But having said that this story is just blatantly fake. Like people really don’t think some guy Dan who has only eaten pizza for the last 25 years just randomly showed up out of thin air do you? If this guy was legit we would have heard about him a decade ago. Guys who eat pizza 25 years straight don’t just show up during year 25. Not just in a random Vice article because Dan is friends with the author. Isn’t that convenient. Seriously when did everybody suddenly turn into JMac overnight believing everything they read on the Internet? Obviously there is no way to prove this isn’t legit, but I guarantee you if I followed “Dan” around for more than 2 days he’d eat something other than pizza. That’s a Pageviews guarantee. Zero chance this is real. Actually check that. Zero infinity chance. How do I know? Because this is what I do that’s how. Dan and Vice may fool those fucks in the league office but they don’t fool the Pres.