Barstool Sports

Huff – A couple in Draper, Utah, may get a taste of jail after being arrested for allegedly sticking broken razor blades in doughnuts in hopes of getting a settlement from a grocery store. Carol Lee Leazer-Hardman, 39, and Michael Condor, 35, were arrested for filing a false police report after allegedly sticking the razor bits into doughnuts they purchased at a Smith’s Food and Drug store and then actually eating the blade-filled pastries, KSL-TV reported. Hardman and Condor, who worked at a nearby Dollar Tree, were also charged with aggravated assault after allegedly letting one of their co-workers bite into one of their doughnuts knowing that there were razor blade pieces inside, according to MSNnow. The couple made the claim last Wednesday and while the doughnuts were not made in the Smith’s bakery, and sold in sealed, tamper-proof packaging, the doughnuts were immediately removed from the store shelves pending an investigation, KSL-TV reported. Draper Police Sgt. Chad Carpenter said that as detectives looked at the evidence, it became clear that “things weren’t adding up,” and that the suspects had purposely eaten fingernail- to thumbnail-sized pieces of broken razor blades, according to the Deseret News. Hospital X-rays revealed several blades in the stomachs of Hardman and Condor, according to a probable cause statement.

You know what I wish I had more time for? Schemes. I wish my schedule allowed for more schemes, shenanigans, and maybe some devious plotting if I could fit it in. I write about these people all day and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look a little exciting. I mean yeah, maybe sticking razor blades inside doughnuts and eating them for settlement money is a little extreme, but you can’t deny their passion for scheming. I’m not that passionate about anything and it makes me kinda sad. These motherfuckers are literally shredding their insides with jagged metal planted in baked goods because they want to put one over on the man that bad. Shitting out razor donuts. Shitting out fucking razor donuts, guys. Maybe you call it desperate, but I call it some hardcore, admirable scheming. It’s also how the minorities that KFC pissed off will probably end up getting their revenge.