Raw Story - Most Americans probably think that companies like Vibram and Dow Chemical are responsible for the technology behind long-lasting shoes, but self-proclaimed prophet Cindy Jacobs is asserting that durable kicks are really a “supernatural” miracle from God. During the Tuesday episode of God Know, Jacobs advised viewers to gather provisions for “the tumultuous season ahead,” but not to worry because God would provide through miracles. “We believe we’re moving into a supernatural season, where if needed, God will multiply food,” she explained. “I have seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking… And I remember spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying in the spirit over that, and God just made more and more and more. You know, I’ve seen oil multiply as I was praying for the sick. I’ve seen bottles of oil just fill up about a cup a time of oil. But the point is we were promised supernatural provisions.” She continued: “I mean, I remember one time that I had a pair of shoes that I wore and wore and wore and wore and it just — for years, these shoes did not wear out. And I wore them years and years and years.” “So, you know, sometimes God is saying little epiphanies to us, little things to us, but we don’t know how to listen to his voice.”
Let me ask you something lady. If god has his hand in the shoe game then why is it so fucking difficult for me to find size 13 Air Max’s all the time? Just about every time I find a pair of kicks that I like at the store I get some bitch in a ref costume telling me that they don’t have those in my size. Where the fuck is god then? Seems to me if he was a just and righteous god then he’d provide equal quantities of Nikes to people’s respective feet. What are my oversized feet too sinfully big for him?
And you claim he’s also multiplying quantities of food right in front of your eyes? Well I just looked in my fridge and guess what? Still nothing. Is there some sort of signup list for the never ending spaghetti bowl? Because I run out of penne all the time and the bowl just continues to stay empty. Am I doing religion wrong? Oh wait that’s right I am because I’m half Jewish. Shit. My bad ma’am. Carry on.