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Chad Johnson Wasn’t Getting Laid While He Was With the Patriots

USA Today – After a one-season hiatus, HBO’s Hard Knocks returned Tuesday night, and guess who stole the show? Surprise — Chad Johnson nee Ochocinco…In the opening episode, Johnson discussed his amorous struggles in 2011 when he produced a career-low 15 catches amid his season-long tribulations as a member of the New England Patriots. “You think the critics are bad?” Johnson asked. He then detailed his difficulties of going all the way on the home front with new wife and reality TV star Evelyn after his one-touchdown campaign. “When I’m not doing well, she’s actually the worst critic of them all,” he said. “I didn’t have sex the entire season last year because of my play. Well, when I scored a touchdown, well she allowed me to score. But after that I went back on cobweb mode.”

I used to like Ocho Johnson. Then I sort of didn’t mind him. By halfway through his Patriots career I almost tolerate him. Now that he’s gone, I can’t stand him. It’s like every time he opens his mouth I lose more respect for the man. And this is the last straw. How do you explain a man who can’t be motivated by Belichick, by Brady, by the chance for glory and a championship and immortality… and now we find out he couldn’t even be motivated by sex? It’s insane. It defies nature. What man wouldn’t work harder at his job if every time he succeeded he’s get laid? What kind of records do you think Gronk would set if he needed to score a touchdown or else no chicks would bang him? They’d need blow up the field Bane-style to keep him out of the endzone. And besides, wouldn’t a season of abstinence make it easier for Johnson to grasp the Pats playbook? The way George was able to learn Portugese and teach hitting to Jeter and Bernie Williams? If 15 catches and 1 TD is what you get out of this guy in a season where he’s got sex as a motivator, I hate to think how bad he’ll be when he’s actually getting some. @JerryThornton1

PS. I will give him credit for “cobweb mode.” That’s genius. Every married man in America thanks him for that.

By Jerry Thornton posted August 8th, 2012 at 1:02 PM

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by beefaroni on August 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Who really gives a fuck about the "Cheat or Choke" Patriots? 8-8 record this year for Brady and the rest of the clowns. Book it.
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by crash1600 on August 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

was that a Phenomenon reference?
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by rp on August 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

8-8? that's the funniest thing I've read all day...the competition in the AFC is a joke, 13-3, or better
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by otwisted on August 8, 2012 at 1:20 pm

On a Boston Blog Beefaroni asks the question "who gives a fuck about the Patriots?" Outstanding question dipshit, you should submit some questions for the upcoming presidential debates.
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by MrTightJeans on August 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

crash1600 - seinfeld reference, but first part could be Phenomenon reference as George Malley did learn Portuguese on the way to find that border skipping. diarrhea having, malaria carrying illegal hidden in the grove.
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by corylidleflymehome on August 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

8-8? beefaroni, you deserve a telethon you retarded fuck. If the pats lose two games this year I'd be surprised. Chad has to keep making outrageous statements to keep his name relevant because he sure as fuck isn't relevant on the football field anymore
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by kurt russell on August 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Jerry does R Kelly piss in your cheerios every morning?
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by mitchconner on August 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Beefaroni is Jerry Thornton in disguise. Trying to troll and stir the pot so commenters will lay off him and his shitty blogs.
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by malaka on August 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Nice English. What are you Asian? "By halfway through his Patriots career I almost tolerate him."
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by tornopen on August 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

she sounds like a huge gold digging cunt
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by beefaroni on August 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Call me when the season is over and the NE Cheat or Chokes are battling it out for 4th place in the AFC East versus some other shit squad. Great defense you got there, by the way. Oh, and the addition of a 40-year old Brandon Lloyd should really help your shitstain hipster QB too. It's over fags. You clowns can get back to licking windows now.
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by notharrypotter on August 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

he was probably mad because when she wasn't fucking him he knew she was fucking someone else, may had gronk put a little cream in her coffee.
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by notharrypotter on August 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

maybe*
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by godzirra on August 8, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Beefaroni, Lloyd is 31, pats play NFC west. defense cant be worse than last year, 13-3 at least. probably 15-1.
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by whatever420 on August 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I bet you think Chad Johnson was also serious when he said he was going to go into Porn too, right? Gullible much?
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by akro on August 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

@beefaroni? why you butt hurt?
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by tuffbull15 on August 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

This might be the greatest post of Jerry's career and by greatest I mean: (a) I actually read the entire thing (b) I laughed.
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by angus on August 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Great Gronk line. Because nobody else mentioned it.
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by beefaroni on August 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

godzirra...Thanks for clearing that whole NFC West thing up for me. Why the fuck would I think that the New England Cheat or Chokes were in the AFC East this whole time?
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by cmpride16 on August 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm

beeforoni has gotta just be tryin to piss ppl off. no one who knows football would say th epatriots are gonna go 8-8. the d is better this year and they still went to the super bowl last year. also how you hatin on lloyd he has gotten better over the past couple years. @jerry no one stops gronk from getting pussy
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by classless on August 8, 2012 at 5:29 pm

8-8 probably would result in the superbowl, judging by the past few champs.
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by kickthepuppy on August 8, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Jerry, imagine how much more well-written this piece could've been if sex were a motivator...
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by Harry Johnson on August 8, 2012 at 6:08 pm

"NE Cheat or Chokes?". Good one @beefaroni. That's the best you can come up with? I'll bet the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. Jerry, would you like some cheese with that whine?
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by bodybymolson on August 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Now I get it - duh. Not getting laid kills confidence - directly impacting performance in general. No wonder we blew last year. Bitches leave.
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by eboe6666 on August 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm

"Ne/nee" doesn't mean "formerly", it means "born (as)". When he was Ocho, you could say "Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) but not the other way around. And beefaroni, someone with your limited powers of discourse shouldn't be calling anyone "window lickers".
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by sublime17rmc on August 8, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Beefaroni must be some 9 year old kid from Indy or something. No human being with the slightest semblance of football knowledge would ever even think to say that patriots would go 8-8, let alone call Brady a stiff, I feel bad for that kid for the embarrassment he's putting on himself , quit while your behind bro. The pats D will only be better this year. Check these "clowns" out - Gronk, Hernandez, Welker, Lloyd, Gaffney, Stahlworth, Branch. Get some sports education you dumbass
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by sublime17rmc on August 8, 2012 at 11:51 pm

The New England "cheat or chokes" dude your such a loser it's not even funny. I guarentee your some wicked nerd with no friends .
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