USA Today – After a one-season hiatus, HBO’s Hard Knocks returned Tuesday night, and guess who stole the show? Surprise — Chad Johnson nee Ochocinco…In the opening episode, Johnson discussed his amorous struggles in 2011 when he produced a career-low 15 catches amid his season-long tribulations as a member of the New England Patriots. “You think the critics are bad?” Johnson asked. He then detailed his difficulties of going all the way on the home front with new wife and reality TV star Evelyn after his one-touchdown campaign. “When I’m not doing well, she’s actually the worst critic of them all,” he said. “I didn’t have sex the entire season last year because of my play. Well, when I scored a touchdown, well she allowed me to score. But after that I went back on cobweb mode.”
I used to like Ocho Johnson. Then I sort of didn’t mind him. By halfway through his Patriots career I almost tolerate him. Now that he’s gone, I can’t stand him. It’s like every time he opens his mouth I lose more respect for the man. And this is the last straw. How do you explain a man who can’t be motivated by Belichick, by Brady, by the chance for glory and a championship and immortality… and now we find out he couldn’t even be motivated by sex? It’s insane. It defies nature. What man wouldn’t work harder at his job if every time he succeeded he’s get laid? What kind of records do you think Gronk would set if he needed to score a touchdown or else no chicks would bang him? They’d need blow up the field Bane-style to keep him out of the endzone. And besides, wouldn’t a season of abstinence make it easier for Johnson to grasp the Pats playbook? The way George was able to learn Portugese and teach hitting to Jeter and Bernie Williams? If 15 catches and 1 TD is what you get out of this guy in a season where he’s got sex as a motivator, I hate to think how bad he’ll be when he’s actually getting some. @JerryThornton1
PS. I will give him credit for “cobweb mode.” That’s genius. Every married man in America thanks him for that.