I have been single for the past two years after ending a physically and verbally abusive relationship. I was also lucky enough to meet a great guy a few weeks ago. We really hit it off and spend most of our free time together. I’ve never clicked with someone so quickly, or felt so safe and secure. But for as much I like him when I am with him, when I am away from him and have time to think, there are some things that don’t sit well with me. He is very open about the fact that he was devastated when his last relationship ended, and a lot of our conversations always seem to end up back at him pointing out how he had wanted his ex to be more like me. This makes me feel jealous — like he wishes it were her beside him, not me. On top of that he is unemployed, not as financially stable as I am, and has pretty terrible criminal record from when he was younger. Am I selling myself short? Am I trying to make something work with someone who is clearly not over his ex? Or, at the end of the day, am I finding red flags and over analyzing them because I’m afraid to be in a relationship again?
– Overanalyzing in Watertown
Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
A: These red flags seem legit to me. You’re upset about his obsession with his ex, his “pretty terrible criminal record,” and his financial instability. It’s not like you’re overreacting to him showing up late for a date. It’s pretty clear that you’re not ready to walk away just yet, so please use this time with him to get your questions answered.
My big piece of advice is to take things slow. My guess is that after a few more dates these red flags will either shrink or grow. Maybe there will be new ones.
Just know that if you’re having issues and asking questions, it’s not because you’re afraid to be in a relationship. It’s because you’re smart and capable. It’s because you’ve learned to trust your gut. If your gut says walk away, you must follow orders. If you don’t, you’re selling yourself short. Readers? Criminal record? Ex? Male version of the letter writer? Should she walk away now or keep this going? Is she selling herself short? How can she slow this down? Help.
El Pres Answer
Dear Over-analyzing in Watertown
Newflash honey. Beggars can’t be choosers. You are a beggar. Like lets stop playing this silly red flag game. If you were worried about red flags you would have dumped him after you found out that he was unemployed or after you found out he was homeless or after you found out he was still obsessed with his ex girlfriend or after you found out that he murders people for fun. Any of those things would have caused a normal woman to run to the hills. But not you. Instead you wrote a a letter to Hoss Goldstein. So let’s cut the shit. You have no other options. This is the only warm dick giving you the time of day. So screw taking it slow. You ride this cowboy till his dick falls off because what other choice do you have? Gross chicks need loving too. Best advice anybody has probably ever given you.