Due to my story earlier I’m taking this week off. I earned it.
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I cracked stick to someskankinMI’s tumblr pics yesterday #barstoolconfessions
I only know which is left field and which is right field because when I was in 3rd grade my teachers last name started with an L. 3rd base, Left field.
I hate portnoy very much. yet I still feed his ego by giving him page views
The people who confess to stuff on Twitter are absolute morons. It’s all about anonymity.
i’m disinclined to share anything because I don’t know you people.
When talking to people that I know don’t read barstool, I have referred to John Feitelberg as a close friend of mine multiple times.
Every time I fart I feel a sense of pride and waft it right into my face #barstoolconfessions
The quality, speed, access of online porn is so great I actually prefer it to having sex with my GF. She doesn’t cross the lines I need crossed.
I am a stay at home dad. I booze every day. My wife is enrolling my kid in daycare because he isn’t “learning.” Guess that was fun while it lasted.
I pocket every dime my kids get for bdays, christenings, etc. over the last 5 years and tell my wife I put it in their 529 plans.
I used to crush myself to a VHS porn tape my father had up in his closet called Skin Games. When the folks would leave for a dinner or something…I’d sprint upstairs and pop in the video. I would make a mental note of what scene the tape was on and after I pummeled myself I would make sure I put it back to the exact scene where he last saw it. I’m in my 30′s now and I’m trying to find the perfect moment to ask him if he ever knew. I envision that we would high five and clang a couple beers together at that moment.
I tried to evision the Mets winning the World Series the other night but it just wasn’t realistic
If nickelback is on, I won’t turn it off
Golf hole poop guy here, on the train to Boston for the parade tomorrow. Being surrounded by people who know what I’ve done is going to be exhilarating. Anyways, I’ve taken a hiatus for the past two weeks, the grounds crews probably think I’m done because of the weather. I’m far from finished. You’ll see.
Last night I turned out all of the lights in the downstairs of my house to make it seem like I wasn’t home. In college I once put a sign on the door that said “sorry, don’t have any candy.” Can’t stand little kids and definitely don’t have the time to pretend I like their costumes. I am an asshole.
I have gigantic balls. Shaft is a case study in mediocracy, but enormous balls. Plums in an ankle sock. On several doggy style occasions, the girl has asked to stop because of a bruised fupa.
Whenever I get a set of tits snap chatted to me, I screenshot it 100 percent of the time and deal with the bitching after with a smile on my face
I recently have had this obsession with soiling every public restroom I use. I unzip my pants, piss all over the bathroom, casually walk out and tell whoever is working there to have a great day
A couple years back my friend was on leave from the military, On christmas day were were to meet up and at bar and have a couple drinks, the only bar that was open was the seediest strip club in town. While there a stripper wanted a shot of Jagermeister so I bought her one in return She let me suck on her tits for a while. All of this happened on Christmas Day, with the rest of my family was at a party.
I woke up at 3 a.m in someone’s front lawn this morning. I wish I was lying.
I’m an excellent twerker. I’m also. 6′ 4″ 230 lb man.
One time coming out of a party I slashed all four tires on the car of a fat, slutty girl that no one liked. I really enjoyed doing it. So much so that for the next three weeks me and my best friend drove around every night slashing tires on random cars. It became a big story in our town. No one but the two of us know who did it. We are assholes but it’s possibly the thing I am most proud of.
Sometimes I upvote my comments on the website and then on the app to get a little head start
Xnxx.com had a video on their homepage the other day of a girl getting pissed on in the woods. I enjoyed watching it
Golf hole poop guy is a faggot who deserves to be hung in front of city hall for the world to see
my room in college had a lofted bed so this one time i was hooking up with this wildabeast in the top bunk while my buddy who was visiting from home was getting with a decent smoke on the couch. Wildabeast decides she has to go to the bathroom and her massive, bare ass starts walking down the mini-ladder in full view of my friend and his chick. Friend yells “holyyy fuck that’s nasty” and she grabs her clothes and is never seen again it’s been 5 years and he won’t let me forget that night
A few years ago I bought the green barstool pirate dog shirt to wear for St. Patricks day. I washed it after, and it shrunk 3 sizes. A few weeks later I brought some girl home who was wearing a dress, and the next morning asked for a shirt to wear home. I gave her that shitty pirate dog shirt. Somewhere that girl is wondering what the hell it means, and her boyfriends why she has it.
I consistently wear a pair of boxers for at least 4 days
I can now say I have fucked two girls who afterwards tried to convince, and lied to my friends and I about having cancer…Needless to say, I’ve found “my type”
I like to fart on my hand and smell it
halloween is my favorite time of year because girls dress slutty and post them on facebook. ive jerked off to these pictures every year the day after halloween.
I have a cousin who works in a jewelry store on Sunset Blvd in L.A. When I went in 2011, we hung out and suddenly some woman walks in just browsing jewelry. It was Halle Berry. We were both immediately starstruck. She was hot as fuck. We introduced ourselves and she shook my hand, top 3 moment of my life. She didn’t want anything so she left. The first thing I thought about after meeting her was masturbating. I thought since I touched Ms. Berry and my hand is on my dick, Halle Berry is giving me a handy. #BarstoolConfessions
On multiple occasions I’ve attempted to send a dick pic in exchange for nudies, but failed because my fucking cock gets camera shy and turtle-shells on me.
I think my wife is hot
I always shit on feitelberg but I secretly think most of his blogs are actually pretty funny
The second I saw the Nicki Minaj picture I knew I was gonna jack it to her… On my way to the bathroom now
You know those snickers commercial’s where the guy is a complete asshole to everyone for no reason at all until he eats a snickers? That’s exactly how I am except my snickers bar is Lorazepam and good weed
I fucked this girl last night and her vag had more hair on it then my head. Kinda liked it so I might tell my gf not to shave
I saw House Bunny in theaters……. With my dad. It was a slow day
The only text message I got today was from Verizon telling me that I’ve used 75% of my data for the month.
Last night I left my apartment to go to a friends house and get a stud guide for a test I had today. I have tonsillitis and couldn’t go out for Halloween. Since I didn’t have surgical masks I tied a black shirt around my face and mouth to avoid getting anyone else sick. When I got on Main Street there was a parade throwing candy to townie children and the entire street was mobbed. I must have looked like I was dressing as a terrorist because I got cursed out, harassed and spit on. One gentleman dressed in full Heisenberg chemical suit felt the need to stop me and tell me he was a veteran and began berating me. I took the shirt off my mouth and just started coughing on him and his family. His kids couldn’t have been over 10 years old an they were dressed as a ninja and a ballerina. I bombed the test.
I lost my job last spring and decided to go back to school full time for an advanced degree. Because of this I had to move home with my mom. I can officially say that getting caught jerking off by your mom at 25 is a lot worse then it was when I was 13.
I went to the drake concert Wednesday
I went to Sylvan learning center while in jr. high..(not sure if Sylvans only a boston thing)
Personally, I think all women should shave their vag area. In fact, any girl that’s doing #NoshaveNovember is officially signed up for No D December.
I read this site for the comments you guys fucking blow
I’ve scanned through the female choice section on tube sites plenty of times and have not been totally horrified.
tried chubby porn for a bit to see if id find my gf hotter. needless to say it didnt work.
Until I was thirteen years old, I thought sex was titty-fucking, I had no idea how that made a child
I have been non-stop harassing friends in other cities, generally being the best Masshole I can be, over our never ending stream of titles. I have to say, I’m enjoy throughly, this overwhelming feeling of superiority.
Thought I had made it safely into the building morning to drop a Duce. Forgot my badge, you know the rest of the story.
A couple of weeks ago some guy in here posted that you are supposed to have 2 holes in your dick so your piss makes a spiral…. It plagued me for 2 weeks before I had my girlfriend look up my dick hole to see if she could see the 2 holes. He didn’t see anything. Now I think he is a liar
She* …. God damn it
Im drinking a Caprisun with dinner right now.
In Middle school I made my own porn mag with a collection of pics I printed off the internet. I let my neighbor borrow it bc he’s poor and doesn’t have a computer. The next day I get home from school and my parents are sitting at the table and ask me to join them. My dad pulls out my mag and precedes to lay each page out on the table. He asked me what I had to say for myself, but all I could do is sit there humiliated. There is nothing worse than your parents knowing what gets your dick hard. Turns out my neighbors parents found it in his book bag and he immediately ratted me out, cunt.
Recently started putting gold bond powder on my toilet paper before I wipe. Its literally magical
why do you wait so long to post this? i want to spend my entire friday looking at this.
Sometimes before I fart I like to put my fingers a half inch away from by butthole so I can feel the warm air. I do this way to often for my own good.
@narddog you’re parents sound like butters parents in my head
Terror you are dead on
I downloaded Tinder two weeks ago and I’m addicted. I spend at least a couple hours swiping at work when I should be working. It’s overtaken Twitter as my mail time app of choice at the moment. Of course, that’s only because there is no Barstool Android App.
I can watch a seinfeld episode for the hundredth time and ill still laugh out loud
When I was a sophomore in high school the seniors on the track team told me I needed to be tazed in the asshole to be initiated into the varsity program. I believed them.
lady gaga does it for me
On Sunday After a long weekend of partying I jerk off at least 7-8 times. The last few times I shoot blanks. I’m 31.
Last week after a night at the bar some girl I was talking to invited me back to her place. Being the drunk idiot I was, I got in the cab. After about 15 minutes we stop at a red light. The girl opened the door and ran out. Told the cabbie to drive me back to my house in shame. It cost 40$. Burned
Most of my confessions are about my relationship with my girl friend… I dont have a girl friend.
i use baby wipes specifically to give my asshole a fresh scent for the remainder of the day
I am on my way to Vegas, and I may or may not have just downloaded the BackPage app.
In college this girl gave terrible head so I jerked off in her mouth instead. Still gets me hard every time I think about it.
I’m a pretty decent tax attorney. I smoke weed every day.
I don’t like social conservatives, but I cannot fathom how any person with skills could be a liberal.
Last weekend I went to a party at the zoo and told every girl there I played hockey at Northeastern in a hope to get laid. I play limited men’s league minutes.
i have burn holes all over my carpet from ashing my bowl out. i’ve convinced myself that as long as i don’t go out n buy an ashtray, i can’t technically be a pothead.
been whacking it using socks lately, put on a pair this morning and it was crunchy inside
I was away for work this week, Sunday to late Thursday. I downloaded Tinder, made a fake account using someone elses pics and chatted with chicks all week. Deleted the app on my cab ride home from Logan Airport.
At age 5 I thought wiping my ass was a pointless waste of time so I started jamming a clump of TP between my cheeks and removed before I went to sleep…this lasted until I was 11. #barstoolconfessions
@barba-de-chivo that was me. You missed my follow up. I wasn’t lying, legit thought a pecker was supposed to have 2. I’m 37 and had to google search how many holes a dick has, after every replied wondering wtf I was taking about. Found my real prob is mine has an extra hole but it doesn’t do anything, except crowd the functioning one and make piss all over the floor.
Worked from home today. So in other words smoked weed from 7am to 5pm.
I CONSTANTLY have to shit
@jimpek, bro, it sounds like when you have to take a piss after cranking/doing the do. Are you sure it’s just not stuck together or some shit?
When I was high school it used to take me forever to finish, I think bc of the fear that a parent would come home in the middle. I would tell the girl she was so pretty that I wanted to bust on her face and they were always totally cool with it. It made them feel inadequate so they always tried to make up for it the next time around. I faked this problem occasionally later in life for that very reason.
@honest-coin-money no, there is a second hole but it’s a dead end. Look it up. I have vague memory of the doctor explaining this to my mom when I was like 5. Guess I misunderstood, thought the 2nd was supposed to work, but remember him drawing a diagram on the paper on the exam table showing the stream going all over the place.
I’ve been saving a good confession for weeks because I never get to comment on this blog fast enough.
@jimpek I’m googling this shit right now
Someskankinmi is still getting bashed on twitter
This ipad app sucks
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypospadias for anyone interested in what the fuck they were talking about. Warning shows penis holes
@hardosrejoice what did you say you should post it 10 times to make sure I see it
about 1 in 500 total births (1 in 250 boys) in the 1970s to 1 in 250 total births (1 in 125 boys) in the 1990s. So every 250 boys has 2 holes in their penis. What the fuck
I just read every comment because I was genuinely interested in dicks with two holes. #BarstoolConfessions
I sometimes scrape the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom stall at bars with a credit card to see if I could steal a line of blow. Not sure if that’s cool or if I should check myself into rehab.
shit walter jr, you did your due diligence with the warning but still wasn’t expecting that. you need to post a link showing some big flopping tit to make up for that.
My buddy is passed out beside me In his bed so I keep picking boogers And flicking them on him
Swear to god, didn’t understand the head snap from the get go. Hope your ass is ok. Wondering why I didn’t get the usual Erie canal talk back. Dirty water…..
Up until high school, every time I went to someone’s house i would piss in their bathtub instead of the toilet
I drink heavily and cycle oral steroids. My liver is going to have cerosis or however the fuck you spell it by the time I’m 33
My girlfriend of four years tells me fairly often that I’m her best friend… I have to bite my tongue because I just wouldn’t respect myself as a dude if my best friend was a girl.
i secretly drink all day so when i go to bang my girl at night i cant nut, and then she blames herself.
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Case Study June 2013