People Magazine Names Adam Levine World’s Sexiest Man…..Bruno Mars Somehow #5
So People Magazine came out with their annual Sexiest Man Alive list. #1 was Adam Levine. Listen I’ll admit Adam Levine is a good looking dude but he’s soft as shit. He’s not even the sexiest guy on the Voice. Blake Shelton is. Not to mention did you see the rest of this list? Jimmy Fallon #4? Bruno Mars is #5? Umm Bruno Mars is 1 foot tall. He’s like a legit dwarf. So I’m pretty sure he’s not the 5th sexiest man alive.
Anyway this list was such a debacle I figured I needed to do a better one. Here is my list of the 10 sexiest men on the planet. And what you got to understand being sexy isn’t just looks. If it was Clint Eastwood’s son would be #1. It’s about having the “it” factor. It’s about the vibe. It’s about being the guy behind the guy. Everybody on this list is not only awesome looking but drip power, prestige and money. That’s what the sexiest man alive list is all about. So without further ado here is the first ever Barstool’s Sexiest Man Alive List.
(Sidenote there has been lots of debate about this around the office. So again let me reiterate. Being a sexy dude isn’t just about looks. If it was I wouldn’t be considered sexy but I am. Beyonce wouldn’t have married Jay Z, but she did. Like I think we can all agree Eric Decker is gorgeous looking, but chicks would claw his eyeballs out to get to Jay Z in a club because Jay Z is Jay Z. Cool factor matters here)
#10 – Denzel Washington
I’m not just saying ti because I needed a black guy on my list so people wouldn’t call me racist like why I hired Mo. I love Denzel. I will literally watch any movie if he is in it. King Kong ain’t got shit on me.
#9 – Clooney
Any sexiest man list without Clooney on it isn’t a list at all. Like I know for a fact Clooney wasn’t playing a character when he played Danny Oceans. He is Danny Oceans.
#8 – Handsome Hank
So mysterious. Dresses like a peasant. Owns Taco Bell. Invented 2man. Chicks want to date him. Guys want to be him.
#7 – Bradley Cooper
Pound for pound maybe the hottest guy on this list strictly based on looks. Not a coincidence also my doppleganger.
#6 – Tom Brady
The all American man. Best QB of all time. Impregnates every chick he touches. Married the most famous supermodel on the planet. Kid has a huge hog. Friends with Belichick.
#5 – King Henrik
Eyes that cut like a knife. Makes the pucksluts all warm and gushy. When he’s not playing goalie he’s shredding on the guitar with John McEnroe. Forget about it.
#4 – Justin Timberlake
Almost impossible to go from boy band to legit mega star but JT did it. There is a chance if their was a pussy draft he’d have #1 pick. No accident he ended up with Jessica Biel.
#3 – Beckham
I’ve never been star struck before in my life. I was star struck when I saw Beckham at the Revs game. I literally had to be told by Beckham’s private security that I was getting too close to him and had to back up.
#2 – THE BIEBS
People are gonna bitch and moan over this pick. Get over it. He may be the #1 guy to switch lives with right now in the world. He has earth by the balls. Just does whatever the fuck he wants at all times. Buying monkeys for pets, partying with whores, not wearing shirts, fucking Selena Gomez. You name it and the Biebs is doing it.
#1 – Leo
No explanation necessary. But if you still want one I’m pretty sure he’s run train on every single model in the world. Oh and he invented the pussy posse in NYC.
Others Receiving Votes: Matthew McConaughey, Lord Lambert, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, Andre Ethier, Eric Decker. But I ask you this. If you include one of those guys who are you gonna take off the list?