New York Times Reports That Science (From Real Scientists) Officially And Totally Clears The Patriots In DeflateGate

(New York Times) — Thomas Healy does not have tickets to the Super Bowl, but he plans to fly to Phoenix with something that is even harder to come by than seats at Sunday’s game: the first detailed, experimental data on how atmospheric conditions might have reduced the air pressure in footballs used by the New England Patriots in their victory over the Indianapolis Colts nearly two weeks ago. Those footballs, which the N.F.L. has said were deflated to pressures below league standards, have created a national meta-bowl whose outcome is seemingly as important as who wins on Sunday. The question driving the public dialogue is whether the Patriots tampered with the balls to make them easier to handle, or whether simply moving them from the warmth of a locker room to the chill and dampness of the field could account for the deflation. The Patriots have absorbed a beating in that larger contest, with many scientists concluding that only the surreptitious hiss of air being released from the balls could explain the difference. But now the Patriots have started to rally, and in a big way. Healy, who provided The New York Times with an advance copy of his technical paper on the experiments, concluded that most or all of the deflation could be explained by those environmental effects. “This analysis looks solid to me,” said Max Tegmark, a professor of physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who reviewed the paper at The Times’s request. “To me, their measurements mean that there’s no evidence of foul play.”    

I’ll make this quick because anyone with a brain has known this whole investigation has been a crock of shit for almost a full week now. At this point each new piece of exonerating evidence is just just piling on. So I’m just going to say two things…  

1. I want Bill Nye to give up his title as “the Science Guy” – Non-negotiable. You’re no longer the Science Guy, Bill. Take the degree you got from whatever rinky dink college you duped into giving it to you, and flush it down the toilet. Can’t keep that when you go on TV and laugh in the face of Dr. Belichick, who became a scientist in THREE days when I’m sure it took you years, then get shot down when actual scientists perform actual experiments. You’re a fool, a jealous Seattle fan who used junk science to try and ruin the name of good men, and just another reason to never trust an adult male in a bow tie.  

2. I want Roger Goodell’s apology - Also non-negotiable. I want Goodell to look directly in Tom Brady’s ice blue eyes and beg for forgiveness. I want Goodell to peer, horrified, under Bill Belichick’s hood and say sorry while tears of terror drip down his face. I want Goodell to crawl up on stage and lick the bottom of Kraft’s Air Force One’s then get walked around the sidelines of Gillette on a leash for an entire season. I want all of them! MmmmmPOLOGIZE, you bitch.