I Have A Confession To Make: I’m Starting To Think Taylor Swift And I Have A Legitimate Chance

(VanityFair)“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people,” Taylor Swift tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Nancy Jo Sales on the subject of mean girls in general and in response to an incident at this year’s Golden Globes, where Amy Poehler and Tina Fey mocked her highly scrutinized love life. “Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’” ­­­Specifically of her dating life, Swift says that “if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people,” meaning Conor Kennedy and One Direction’s Harry Styles. Though she has gone out with some of the entertainment world’s most notorious bachelors, including Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, and John Mayer, Swift says, “[t]he fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous.” As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her “Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan” apartment, Swift continues, “It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

So a lot of people have been tweeting at me that they were shocked when yesterday I didn’t talk about Taylor Swift saying Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were going to burn in hell. But, I take Taylor stories very seriously and I wanted to sleep on it. Digest it. Make sure I read the whole story. Thomas Jefferson always said to count to 10 before you react, I like to count to 24 hours. Keeps me grounded.

Anyway all this interview did is reaffirm what I’ve believed for such a long time: Taylor Swift and I would be great together. Legitimate, fairy tale love. Not like Pres and Candice Swanepoel, not like Big Cat and any girl who has ever been on the internet. Unlike those jabronis, Taylor and I could make it happen. Look at the facts.

– She’s dated two guys since 2010 – That’s great for me. I don’t have to get self-conscious that she’s been with a bunch of dudes who undoubtedly had a bigger dick than me. She doesn’t have to compare a worthless blogger to all the celebrities she’s been with. Perfect.

– Most of the world HATES her and finds her really annoying – I’d resent my girlfriend if she was some beloved doll. Every day I go to work and get lambasted. Would suck to go home to some happy go lucky girl. Taylor and I could just sit there and talk about how mean the rest of the world is as we cry Teardops On Our Guitar.

– Her apartment sounds awesome – Tim Burton – Alice in Wonderland – pirate ship – Peter Pan apartment? I’d love to live in Disney World.

– Lavender Lemonade – don’t even know what it is. Sounds delicious.

Sounds like we’d be best friends if you asked me. And yes, I overlooked the part where she said the only two women I find funny in the entire world will burn in hell but that’s fine. I like my girls with a little fire and brimstone in their belly. Keeps the relationship hot.

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