Homeless Dude Gets Banned From "All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth" For Jerking Off In The Middle Of One

RACINE — A Racine man has been forbidden from “all the libraries on the face of the earth” after his alleged lewd and lascivious behavior in the Racine library. Tyree S. Carter, 20, was in court Thursday for charges of lewd and lascivious behavior and disorderly conduct after he was reportedly caught openly masturbating in the Racine Public Library, 75 Seventh St. An officer was dispatched to the library at 10:36 a.m. Wednesday for a report of Carter’s behavior. The employee who reported the behavior said Carter was on the second floor and was “standing in the open, not trying to conceal the act,” according to his criminal complaint.When police arrived Carter was seated reading a book at a table and the officer asked Carter if he knew why police were called. He said he had no idea, the complaint said. But when the officer explained, Carter allegedly apologized and said it was his first time doing it in public, according to the criminal complaint.

Ever jerked off standing up? One of the most acrobatic things a person can do. Gotta have a little bend in your knee so if you don’t get a nut fast enough it basically turns into you doing naked wall squats and wrist calls. It’s not masturbation, it’s exercise. You’re all hunched over like Quasimodo. The whole thing is just incredibly awkward and awful. So I think the law got the sentencing wrong. It should have been the exact opposite. Like when you’re parents catch you drinking as a kid and just make you get shitfaced at the dinner table ripping warm vodka. You want to jerkoff standing up in the middle of the library, Tyree? Ok, son. Fine. That’s the only way you’re allowed to jerkoff from now on. Upright, using still images, and with a roomful of people watching you. Your debt to society is paid once you get scoliosis.