Feitelberg’s Guide To Surviving The Blizzard
I was watching the news last night and they were interviewing all kinds of people, asking how they’re preparing for the blizzard. Couldn’t have been worse answers being given. Everyone they asked was 100 years old and their bodies will be colder than the weather by the time it actually starts snowing. They were all saying they’re buying tons of bread, water and making sure to fill up their cars. Huh? Bread? What if it gets too cold you’re going to commit carbicide? Water? Did you people never take a science class? It’s snowing. Water is literally falling from the sky. Just take your Brita outside, scoop up some snow and in 10 minutes, voila, you’ve got water. Buying it is a total waste of money. And gassing up your car? That couldn’t make less sense. Where are you driving? What do you need a full tank of gas for when your car is about to get buried for the next few days?
Here’s what you need to survive:
Everyone will be flocking to the liquor stores on their way home. And, undoubtedly, they’ll all be buying cases of beer and vodka because “Snow party!!! WOooo HoooO!!” Don’t fall into this trap. Yes you want to get drunk but you also want to survive. Get something that covers both bases: Brandy. St. Bernard’s didn’t carry it around their necks for nothing. It’s alcoholic medicine. If the power goes out and everyone is dying of hypothermia you can be sitting in the corner sipping on your Brandy and maintaining a perfect body temp.
Straight chillin’, warm as fuck.
Know what’s awesome about snow days? You don’t have to put clothes on. You know what sucks about snow days? It’s cold. Forever Lazy is a way to be naked while being warm. Great breathing room but, as you can see in the picture, also nice and toasty. Forever Lazy.
Can’t do anything for a few days? What’s up, Dynasty mode. How’s it going, Road to Glory? This way when your parents call and make sure you’re alive you can tell them you did something. Don’t have to be say, “Last few days? Yeah I just drank and made big penises out of snow.” You can tell them that in the last three days you got a college degree, won the Heisman and the National Championship, and you were the first overall draft pick. Yup, you became a millionaire. Not a bad little weekend.
Way better sustenance than bread. Easy to cook, legumes are a good source or protein plus they’re a magical fruit. If you haven’t noticed we’re going for versatility on this list. It’s Activia for men. Delicious and they keep your bowels regular. Plus sometimes snow storms can be boring and nothing lightens up a room like a few beefy farts. Farts are always funny.
LL Bean Wicked Good Slippers
Ever walked with lambs on your feet? Perfect compliment to the Forever Lazy. Cozy and warm. #versatile
How else will all your followers know what the weather is like? If you don’t Instagram what you see outside your window then your friends might go outside thinking it’s summer. They would be totally unprepared and that’s super dangerous. Be a good friend.
And if you’re gonna go outside you need three things: neon, a strong arm, and a vicious competitive spirit
If you get all this, you’ll be fine. See you Monday. If you don’t? Your weekend is probably going to be a blizzaster.