Dude Sues Toothpaste Company Because He's Gotten Zero Chicks Even Though The Ads Said It Would Make Him

(Source) — In what could prove to be a major embarrassment for Unilever Nigeria Limited (UNL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the company, which owns the Close Up toothpaste brand, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Close-Up toothpaste for over seven years. Close-Up advertisements suggest that the product helps men to instantly attract women by just breathing out.

You know in lawyer shows when someone pounds the desk and says, “Your Honor, this is setting a dangerous precedent!”? This is the exact opposite. This is setting an incredible precedent. Imagine getting to blame the fact that you’re ugly and have zero game on false advertising? What a wonderful world it would be. Hey J Crew, everyone in your ads is always having so much fun and canoodling with smokes… why doesn’t that happen to me when I put on my shawl neck sweater? No, it’s not because I’m fat and in need of a haircut. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a few gray hairs from being Rob Ryan. It’s because you LIED to me! That’s why. Now pay me millions of dollars! And if that doesn’t work, then I’ll just sue every person who ever told me that chicks are always attracted to guys with big wallets. If I still can’t get chicks then I’ll just keep suing. At least then I’ll be as rich as an Egyptian Pharaoh and will be able to afford to have a bunch of hookers buried alive with me when I die.