Drunk Farmer Meets His Demise When He Starts A Fight With His Pig, Who Bites Off His Dick
(Source) — El Debate reported that farmer Miguel Anaya Pablo, 60, died from an infection caused by the wounds he suffered during the brawl. Miguel is alleged to have returned home drunk from a party and somehow begun fighting with the pig which he kept in his home. The animal managed to bite his testicles and severe three fingers of his right hand, the paper claimed, and he was rushed to hospital. However, he later died due to an infection in the wounds and his body is due to undergo an autopsy, local media reported.
I’m not sure how British newspapers are taught to do things but here at Barstool Sports we don’t bury ledes. The headline to this story was “PORK THRASHER Drunk farmer ‘starts fight with his own pig but dies after having three fingers and his privates bitten off’” and while I admit that “PORK THRASHER” is a solid start, you can’t go around mentioning severed fingers before your bring up the dick. Gotta start with the dick, always. You get three fingers bitten off and guess what? You still have 70% of your fingers. Get one penis bitten off and you’re down to 0% of penises that you started life with. That’s the story.
Now I’m not going to criticize Miguel Pablo and say that he shouldn’t be fighting pigs because I don’t know him and the pig’s history so who am I to say that this was unwarranted? The pig lived in the house so maybe this has been brewing for a while and tensions finally boiled over. Why does anyone fight, ya know? Be it human or pig sometimes you’ve just gotta throw hands. But, when fighting a pig, you’ve gotta know to protect your dick at all times. Leaving your dick exposed is like getting in the ring and keeping your hands by your side, you’re just setting yourself up for failure. I don’t know a whole lot of pig fighting tactics but I know they’re always gonna go at any hot dog shaped objects first as a kind of retribution for desecrating their ancestors’ remain and turning them into grill snacks.
So what did we learn today? 1) always start drunk pig fight headlines by mentioning the bitten dick first. 2) protect your dick when fighting a pig.
That’s a lot of info to start a Monday but try and absorb all that.