1) On what we've all got coming to us: "I happen to believe that everybody in this world, at one point in their life, needs an ass kicking."
2) On his approach to the Boston episode: "This is about me and my friend Mike trying to have a wicked fucking time in Boston, and if you have a problem with that, then you can just fuck off over to Samantha Brown."
3) On getting a colonoscopy: "They could be jooking you with a GI Joe and you'd never know!"
4) On nanny states: "I support fully all adult Americans' right to eat themselves to death. It's pretty much what I'm doing for a living."
5) On eating oneself to death: "But it's un-Christian! What do you think, Jesus was sitting there at the last supper having an extra helping of tiramisu?"
6) On candlepin bowling: "The balls are smaller — insert Stallone joke here — the pins are skinny, and it's hard, much harder, to knock them all down."
7) When asked how it feels to be beaten by a woman: "Have you met my wife?"
8.) On a gigantic omelet: "Now I know why the Big Dig took so long, after you eat all that, you're not exactly double-timing it."
9) On the legitimacy of his guide's claim that he's from Southie: "Okay. We know by now that my friend from the mean streets of Hingham here did not grow up working a speed bag between bong hits."
10) On the rigors of producing No Reservations: "As television professionals, all we have to do is drink for the rest of the afternoon."
11) On the beverages available in Boston: "The drink of choice here is alcohol. There's beer, and whiskey apparently, and oh yeah, this: a mix of Jagermeister and Red Bull that's just wrong."
2011 Canning Bowl Beer Pong Champion!