Take #2: 5 Guys Tried To Rob An Unarmed Guy Who Somehow Beat Them Off With A Machete


Fox 6- Police say a homeowner in Florida used a machete to fend off five would-be robbers at his home.

The suspects were armed with a shotgun when they broke into the man’s home in Sarasota on Friday morning, June 16th around 4:45 a.m. — near 22nd Street and Dodge Avenue.

Surveillance video shows the homeowner grabbing the machete and fighting back. He managed to disarm one suspect, while the other four took off.

The homeowner held the suspect until police arrived.

The other suspects were arrested after the suspect vehicle was located at a gas station. Sheriff’s officials say four men wearing dark clothing were inside — one with several zip ties. Two admitted to the attempted robbery.


Editor’s Note: Francis’s heart was literally broken this morning when he found out Trent beat him to this blog by 5 minutes. Didn’t want his jokes to go to waste.  So here we have a classic “who blogged it better” – vote at the end.  Take #2:


So much for don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. How on earth did this guy win this? 5 on 1 (and a half? That friend was completely useless) and our hero was UNARMED at the start of this ballyhoo. What a gamble picking up that extremely non-aerodynamic pool chair. Those things look menacing but they’re so light that it’s very hard to swing them with any real menace. Like fighting with a screen door. Luckily, he swaps that out for a 2-by-4 before remembering that his machete is sitting on top of a box of coconuts. “Oh hang on guys, I have real weapons, one sec.” Seriously, how many upgrades did this guy go through? Looked like Bruce Willis in the pawn shop in Pulp Fiction.

Let’s inventory the arsenal:

1) Pool chair

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.46.19 AM

2) Plank of wood

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.46.57 AM

3) Machete

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.48.22 AM

Meanwhile, useless friend goes with:

1) Pool hook/cat-in-tree retriever

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.49.12 AM

2) Civil war musket held in the strangest way possible. Perhaps thought bayonet was attached.

Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.50.32 AM


Having said that, the moment when he picks up the hook and puts a cig in his mouth had me rolling. In the middle of a vicious backyard pool fight and he remembers to light one up. Might be time to switch to patches buddy.


Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 10.11.49 AM


But talk about the most incompetent robbers of all time. These guys lost to a dude fighting with an aisle from Home Depot. Had the element of surprise, great outfits, number advantage, and a fucking shotgun but fled like geese when the butcher of Puerto Rico started swinging. Here’s the team:


Screen Shot 2017-06-19 at 9.40.02 AM

Frosted tips for the L.




Who blogged it better? 

 1 for Trent 10 for Francis.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (473 votes, average: 8.01 out of 10)
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