Barstool Sports

Cornell – With all the rumors of Justin Bieber coming to Cornell not being true, many girls on campus were heartbroken and disappointed that they wouldn’t get their chance with the teenage heartthrob. Lucky for you, ladies, another sensation is making his way to Ithaca this coming fall. Announced on his Facebook fan page this morning, Jersey Shore star Vinny Guadagnino will be attending Cornell University in the fall of 2012 to pursue a master’s degree in Arts. A native of Staten Island, New York, Vinny attributed his decision to attend Cornell to his family. “I needed to think about life after the Jersey Shore. When I did my undergrad at CUNY Staten Island, I wanted to continue, but the opportunity to be on TV popped up. Going to Cornell, I’ll be able to continue my education and be close to my family. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my mom’s meatballs every week.” Vinny received good financial aid because he was an in-state applicant, but he also said he is going to bring a piece of him to Cornell. He has announced he is opening a tanning salon where the Green Café used to be, and at night it will be come a bar. This is exciting news for the Cornell community, so get your fists pumping, and then calm down so you can open your big, tan arms and give Vinny a hug when you see him during the Fall.

Lucky for you Cornell!  Vinny from Jersey Shore!  (Remember that show?)  International reality superstar!  Christ could the Cornell Basement oversell this any harder?  Talk about having your excitement just absolutely shattered.  All this buzz going around that Bieber is going to be on campus.  Visions of being the Biebs’ right hand man just wingmanning the shit out of him at the bars being BFF’s and spending the holidays together and shit.  Right out the window.  Instead you get this washed up has-been dickwad to fist pump all over your face and fuck all the girls in your class.   Busted your ass all of high school to get in to Cornell and now you’re freezing your ass off in Ithaca blatantly suicidal like everyone else who goes there and this guido dickhead is popping in to earn some bullshit degree.   Swift kick in the dick to the Cornell community.  Hey new tanning salon though.  That’s a plus.

PS-  Good to great chance this story is fake.