Mirror — A gang of ‘out of control’ samurai sword-wielding robbers are being hunted after a shop worker almost lost a finger in a sickening raid on a convenience store. Staff were left stunned after three masked men stormed in and starting swinging a hunting knife and sword. One of the workers, 22, raised his hands to defend himself during the attack and had his finger sliced by the sword. His colleague, 24, had his necklace ripped off him and was slashed to the forearm and back by the raider with the knife. The gang eventually ran off with cash from the S&P shop in Chadderton, Oldham, Greater Manchester on Saturday. Detective Constable Richard Whiting slammed those responsible. He said: “This was a violent and reckless robbery carried out by three young men who were out of control.
The real moral of this story is that the store owner needs to invest in a crossbow to keep behind the counter. That, or install a moat and a drawbridge. Frankly, robberies involving guns are pretty boring. Yeah, it’s scary for the people involved. But all the surveillance footage is just a bunch of pointing and yelling. Maybe a pistol whip. Gun might not even be loaded or real. Totally about fear. Swords are threatening in an awesome, old school way. When some asshole runs into your store like Uma Thurman taking on the Crazy 88, you know that fucker means business. And if you don’t know, he can slice open a couple soda cans for you like Guy Fieri selling a knife set to demonstrate his point.
I kind of wish all crimes happened with medieval weaponry. Self defense courses would involve sword fighting and how to handle nunchuks a la Enter the Dragon. Stories about home intrusions would read like the next installment of the 3 Ninjas series. You may say I’m a dreamer. But I just want to ninja star a guy who’s trying to mug me with a halberd.
P.S. My fight weapon = trident.