Mo posted this video of TLC’s newest reality show starting some chick (chicks?) with two heads, and the promo (combined with the shameful four hours of My Teen Is Pregnant and So Am I that I watched on Sunday because I was too hungover to look for my remote) made me realize the TLC might sneaky be the best channel on television. Literally every single show they put out is absolute fire. The best part is they’re not just entertaining, they’re educational: before being exposed to their shows I thought that midgets were terrifying and Middle America was kind of cool, but thanks to TLC now I know the exact opposite is true. They’ve even started creating pipeline shows: It’s a guarantee that at least half of the people featured on their show about coupons are going to end up on TLC’s show about hoarding, just like 75% of the chicks on Toddlers and Tiaras are probably going to end up as the slightly bloated washed up beauty queens in Plainesville, Iowa that get knocked up the same time as their super religious mom. It’s an absolutely rock solid business model that probably took years to come up with, but I think I’ve cracked the formula behind their success.
The TLC pitch room is kind of like the giant chart from the foreclosure episode of South Park, only instead of sacrificing a chicken to get results you aim at a dartboard that looks something like this:
The rules are simple: You get three darts, and you create your new show based off the combination of the where the darts land. You get a bullseye and you get an extra dart. If you hit a black section you do the show with an African American family, and if you miss the board you make it about ghosts or aliens or some other paranormal shit. The best part is the options on the board are scientifically proven to make a hit show no matter what the combination is. It’s a guaranteed ratings machine. So far the results have been pretty good, but hopefully someday the darts will fall in the right place and we’ll finally get to see Little Tiers of Joy, which is a show about a pregnant midget addicted to cake (but I’m sure that was obvious from the title). Make it happen, TLC. I’ll be waiting.