Barstool Sports

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Fox- An 11-year-old Roy Elementary student is heading to the world Pokémon championship in August. He practiced the card game for hours with his mom, now he’s ready to take on the world’s best. Daniel Sargent doesn’t even know the meaning of jargon, but while talking with FOX 13 he rattled off plenty of the Pokémon kind while describing how the card game is played. Daniel tried to explain the game to FOX 13’s Ashton Goodell with a little success. Daniel and his mother run through drills more than three hours a day, training for the upcoming competition. “My mom over-practices me,” Daniel said. Daniel is a national champion and one of only a handful of kids who will travel to the world competition this year. And if he has a trick for winning, he is not sharing. “Not precisely,” says Daniel. “My strategy is I like to practice a lot and to play calmly. If you play too fast, you’ll make mistakes.”And it is that kind of talk, his mom says, will make him world champion.

I don’t care how good this kid claims to be, I cannot stand here and let my pathetic 90s nostalgia be tarnished by someone like this. This kid’s the Tim Duncan of the competitive Pokemon circuit. His strategy is “practice a lot and play calmly?” What a fucking revolutionary. If you’re going to be the Pokemon ambassador, you have to be a personality. It’s about time someone brought the excitement back to the world of professional Pokemon. I don’t even know to play the card game because nobody actually ever played the card game, but I can guarantee I have spent enough time on the Game Boy Color and enough of my childhood earnings on starter packs full of Metapods to wipe the floor with this kid. If this game is a chess match then you can call me Pokemon Deep Blue. He can have his 4,000 Pokemon or whatever their up to now. All I need is the shoebox in the back of my closet and it’s game over. I’ll pull out my Japanese first edition holographic Charizard so fast he’s not going to know what the fuck just hit him. Let’s do this, Daniel. I WANT HOLYFIELD!!! I WANT HOLYFIELD!!!!