Barstool Sports

The Local- It was a fellow motorist in a caravan who noticed that a woman was straddling the driver of an open-topped Porsche zooming down the E4 motorway near Linköping in central Sweden at the end of July. When the car passed the shocked caravan driver at what he estimated to be 80 kilometres an hour, he realized that the woman was not only without a seat belt, but was sitting on the drivers lap facing him, something he considered to be potentially hazardous for other drivers. When police responded to the call and pulled over the Porsche, they noticed that the woman quickly switched to the passenger’s seat. They also noted she wasn’t wearing any pants, according to the local Corren newspaper. When confronted about why she was not in her seat, the half-naked woman told police that she was simply licking off icecream that had spilled onto the driver’s body. The man was ultimately slapped with a 22,800 kronor ($3,474) reckless driving fine for the episode of motorway madness, while the woman was ordered to pay 8,400 kronor for her tongue-lashing antics.

I can guarantee you that no one has ever been as excited to get pulled over as this guy, because he knew the second he heard the siren that now he’d actually have a valid reason to let everyone about that one time he got a $3500 ticket. And based on the series of events preceding said ticket, that’s a fucking bargain to have this story in your back pocket for the rest of your life. You just know this guy came into the office after it happened waiting for someone to ask about his weekend, and as soon as they did he was more than happy to recap in full detail. “You went apple picking with your wife? 3 whole pounds, hmm? And a gallon of cider? Wow. That sounds fun. Oh, my weekend? Well, I was giving my Swedish mistress some roadfinger in my Porsche convertible when the gold flake and vanilla ice cream cone I was eating started dripping onto my body. So she straddled me and started to lick it off and the next thing you know the cops are pulling me over and giving my some bullshit ticket.  22,8000 kronor, but hey, I’m rich as shit so oh well. Good to hear the orchard was fun though. Maybe we’ll try that out next weekend.”