USNews — Devout, married Catholics have the best sex of any demographic group, the Family Research Council said at an event Wednesday, pointing to a collection of studies from the last several decades. The socially conservative Christian group relied heavily on statistics from the University of Chicago’s last National Health and Social Life Survey, conducted in 1992, which found the most enjoyable and most frequent sex occurring among married people, those who attended church weekly – any church, whether Catholic or not – and people who had the least sexual partners. “Those who worship God weekly have the best sex,” said Patrick Fagan, a senior fellow at the Family Research Council and a former George H.W. Bush official, in a talk hosted with the Center for the Advancement of Catholic Higher Education Wednesday. “I want to see this on the cover of Playboy sometime.” Fagan said the group was working on gathering more recent data on sexual enjoyment, but that the existing statistics spoke for themselves, and specifically as they relate to Catholics. One audience member questioned Fagan on the “danger” of selling the idea that Catholics were guaranteed better sex if they waited for marriage. But Fagan said it was clear “those who are monogamous have the best sex they ever could – because it’s the only sex they’ll ever know.”
Stop the presses everybody. You know college sex lives? Trying to bang two chicks in one night and possibly finagle a threesome at some point? Apparently that is nothing compared to monogamous sex with the same person for years and years. Ideally solely doing missionary, avoiding eye contact and praying that you pull out quick enough because neither of you are allowed to use birth control. That shit’s wild. Definition of kinky.
Calling the best sex the sex where you feel most loved is like calling the best athlete the one who’s nicest in the locker room. They have almost nothing to do with one another. I’m sure it’s nice when the nice player wins. But the one who gets the job done on the field is the best. Nobody really cares that Michael Jordan is probably a huge dickhead. Or that Tiger Woods bangs lots of sluts. Or that Ray Lewis probably had something to do with murdering a guy. Best means best. Not the one that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. That’s why some double jointed nympho who likes to bring her roommate into the mix is probably the best sex. They might worship Satan. Who knows? Doesn’t change the on the field performance. The best sex is definitely not that chick you met at Pizza and Prayer Wednesdays in 9th grade and married before either of you saw another set of genitals. I guess it technically is for you. But if you’ve only fucked one person, isn’t it also the worst?