Barstool Sports

COLUMBUS — A recent report filed with Columbus Police allege some disturbing acts performed against a trio of college students on King Avenue. The victims, who requested their names not to be released, allege a stranger sexually targeted them. They say a bearded man wearing a hoodie and jeans exposed himself and ejaculated on one of the women. “I feel dirty,” one victim said. “I feel like I can’t get it off of me, I feel like you invade somebody so much by doing something like that.” These women talked with ABC 6 with the hopes that if this is a recurring incident, other reports will be filed and police may eventually catch up to this creep they believe knew exactly what he was doing. “When he walked up, he knew where to go,” another victim said. “He knew his target and that’s exactly where he went and kept walking.” One victim chased after this shady suspect but says he ducked into an alleyway and disappeared. “It shouldn’t be okay,” she said. “If you are aware of it and if the people know it’s coming, he’s not going to feel so free to go and do it… maybe someone will catch him.”

What does Ohio State have like the Keystone Kops enforcing the law around Columbus?   Not one person is man enough to take down the Buckeye Cum Blaster?   I mean how can you not catch this guy immediately post-cum shot?  Got to be the easiest take down in history.  Once I cum I literally have to will myself to get up and clean myself off.  Usually don’t even have the strength to do that.  Just lay there passed the fuck out for 2 hours.   Can’t imagine this bro is running impressive 100 meter sprints afterwards.  Ripping off a 4.3 40 to dash away from the crime scene. Like if you’re the investigator here all you got to do is check the nearest ditch.  Guarantee you there will be an unconscious guy with a limp dick in his hand.    Boom,  you’re a hero.

Oh and how about all these whiny babies crying and complaining they got jizzed on.  Wah wah wah the Buckeye Cum Blaster shot his load all over my backpack when I was looking the other way.   Just put the shit in the wash and get over it.  Such an insult to real sexual assault victims.   Although I do get the “I feel like I can’t get it off me” sentiment.  That shit is a bitch to clean off.  Just ask my comforter.