COLLEGE STATION, TX – In a statement released on Monday, the NCAA announced that it is investigating Heisman-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel for allegedly appearing in an enormously profitable football broadcast.
According to the statement, the reigning Heisman winner used his name and persona to lure viewers to Saturday afternoon’s game between No. 1 Alabama and No. 6 Texas A&M, a broadcast that earned the highest ratings for a CBS regular season college football game in 23 years.
“The NCAA has learned that Mr. Manziel participated in certain inappropriate activities over the weekend, and we will seek to reprimand him to the full extent of our authority,” the statement read. “Despite any heightened media exposure, Mr. Manziel is a student—not a celebrity—and he must abide to the same rules for generating millions of dollars in revenue as every other student.”
The statement went on to accuse him of violating NCAA bylaw 220.127.116.11, which forbids student-athletes from using their names or likenesses for commercial purposes. By lending his likeness to CBS for the broadcast, Manziel was able to earn the network millions in additional revenue from advertisers in 56 major national markets.
The statement continued to say that Manziel’s actions were “audaciously disrespectful and idiotic,” noting that he “paraded around the football field like some sort of famous superstar athlete,” even though he is “only a 20-year-old student who is incapable of generating income on his own and must depend on the NCAA’s immense generosity to pay for his tuition.”
And as further testament to his arrogance, the statement alleges that Manziel’s appearance actually generated several million dollars in profit for the NCAA itself, which was his way of “rubbing his talents in our faces” and “stroking his unquenchable ego.”
In light of the allegations, a spokesman from Texas A&M confirmed that the school will accordingly be withholding all future financial aid from Manziel, noting that even though he was largely responsible for attracting a record $740 million in donor contributions over the past year, no amount of money can compensate for the shame his actions have brought upon the school.
“Except maybe a billion dollars,” the spokesman added.
So perfect. The best kind of satire is the one that’s 10000% true. Make your school $740 million (literally). Get investigated for sitting in good seats at a basketball game. Love the NCAA.
PS- Runner up for best satire piece of the week: SI Investigation Reveals Oklahoma State An Awesome Place To Play Football