Barstool Sports

PASADENA, California (Reuters) – NASA’s Mars science rover Curiosity performed a daredevil descent through pink Martian skies late on Sunday to clinch an historic landing inside an ancient crater, ready to search for signs the Red Planet may once have harbored key ingredients for life. Mission controllers burst into applause and cheers as they received signals confirming that the car-sized rover had survived a perilous seven-minute descent NASA called the most elaborate and difficult feat in the annals of robotic spaceflight. Engineers said the tricky landing sequence, combining a giant parachute with a rocket-pack that lowered the rover to the Martian surface on a tether, allowed for zero margin for error. “I can’t believe this. This is unbelievable,” enthused Allen Chen, the deputy head of the rover’s descent and landing team at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory near Los Angeles.

I have a question.  Has anybody at NASA ever seen a movie?  Like even just one movie?  Or are they too busy being nerds doing calculations about the space time continuum in their notebooks or something?  Only possible explanation why they would send something to Mars.  Because they have no idea that 99.8% of the time you send something to Mars it comes back carrying aliens and space viruses and motherfucking monsters that wipe out civilization and Earth as we know it.  That’s how it works.  Facts are facts.  You start nosing around in space you wake up infested and dead.    Just ask the cast of Alien, Prometheus, Red Planet, Astronaut’s Wife, Mission To Mars.  ETs do not play around.   I mean you got to imagine if aliens wanted to say what up to us they would have said what up.  They’re not waiting for you to send some gay robot 16 billion lights years to poke through their shit.  Wake up NASA dweebs.   Stop partying like it’s 1999 and start building some big ass rockets to defend ourselves when the martians come back here to eat our fucking lunch.