Barstool Sports

Independent - Prince Charles Cinema, in London’s Leicester Square, has come up with a rather maverick solution: Ninjas. Groups of volunteers wearing shiny black all-in-one spandex Morphsuits have been trained to disappear into the background of the cinema. The anonymous vigilantes wait, poised for action, until a breach of cinema etiquette is committed, and then – they pounce catlike upon the victim and, um, give them a strongly-worded ticking-off. The “ninja taskforce”, which has proven so popular it may be rolled out to Odeon and Cineworld cinemas across the country, will “put a stop to bad cinema etiquette and tomfoolery such as popcorn throwing, feet on seats and the use of mobile phones during films” according to the press release. But what about those other subtle breaches, the ones that are annoying, but not ninja-worthy, like having sweet-wrappers that crackle a lot, or spilling sweet drinks on the floor so your feet get all sticky?

Awesome idea but my only problem is that it’s a little too “fun and silly” for me.  Like these whacky ninjas in black spandex suits sneaking up on you and giving you a stern talking to for being an asshole.  Not far enough.  If I were in charge I’d hire legit Ninjas from like the remote corners of Japan trained in ancient feudal warfare.  They’d monitor everything from talking, to cell phone usage, to kicking seats, to laughing at things that aren’t funny.  You’d get 1 warning then on second offense you’d get a samurai beheading.  Kind of extreme but that’s what’s necessary.  Won’t see a whole lot of people texting when there’s a fucking skull rolling around the floor courtesy of a Shinobi mercenary.

My second idea if that first one wasn’t accepted was to hire the actual 3 Ninjas as my cinema taskforce.   Who’s going to disrupt a movie with the threat of Colt delivering a roundhouse kick to your fucking face while Rocky and Tum Tum pummel your friends unconscious?