I know what you’re thinking, kmarko you quit gambling last year when you lost a small fortune and realized you couldn’t continue to fund being an absolute degenerate while blogging for a career and living in a 31st floor apartment in the middle of Manhattan. That’s true, but the thing is prop bets aren’t gambling. Not when I get involved with them. Just bring so much logic and straight fact that there’s really nothing left up to chance.
And as a disclaimer, I don’t read anything about these props, not gambling websites or oddsmakers analysis. I do all my own field work aka I use Google, Google Images, Youtube, and My Brain and come up with the most perfect logical bets. Shoot straight from the hip based on the gut and in all my years posting this blog at Barstool it has never steered me wrong from going 3-4.
Easiest one on the board. By far. Bottom line is when it comes to the Super Bowl it all comes down to who has got their head on straight and can block out all the distractions. And frankly Tails is not in that mindset. Been getting smoke blown up it’s ass for years. Everybody always sucking Tails dick telling it how great it is and how if you pick Heads you’re basically a braindead idiot which in a sense empowers it and makes it feel invincible. Basically Tails right now is the 2008 Patriots waltzing into the stadium 18-0 expecting to roll over a less talented and far less heralded opponent. Big mistake. Heads win this in a landslide.
Interesting one here. Alicia Keys says she’s going to do the anthem “her way” which naturally has people in a tizzy thinking she’s going to like riff the entire last verse and stretch it into a 5 minute scat session. Probably why the line has bumped up to 2 minutes 5 seconds despite the past 3 performers going:
Kelly Clarkson 1:35
Christina Aguilera 1:44 (complete with fuck up in the middle)
Carrie Underwood 1:44
Well the thing is I’m not falling for it. Keys is a professional through and through. She’s going to step out there, belt it out flawlessly, kill the last note, then set the mic down and walk off. Probably be out of the stadium by the time the stopwatch hits 2:05. Not falling for all this bullshit about “her way.” You know what they say, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table making prop bets on Alicia Key’s national anthem, it’s probably you.
Under 2 min 5 seconds
Color of Gatorade
By my own admission this is the hardest one to pick each year. What color will the Gatorade dumped on Harbaugh’s head be. Frankly there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the color choice and every year I find myself scratching my head as electrolyte filled liquid splashes all over the field. Who picks the color? How do they pick it? Why? Does anyone monitor the Gatorade color choosers and their online gambling activity? Honestly I feel like that might be somebody’s get rich quick scheme and he’s reading this right now sitting on piles of cash nervous I’ve uncovered his plot. Some stupid water boy filling up Gatorade coolers borrowing $20K from his parents to put on a weird color and watching it kick in at +800 and retiring.
Anyway let’s take a look at the past 5 years courtesy of Google Images.
Purple. See this is what I mean. Who the fuck drinks purple Gatorade? Nobody drinks purple Gatorade. Maybe black people drink purple Gatorade? Kind of like grape soda? Hold on let me check.
Subject: Ask A Black Blogger
do black people drink/like purple Gatorade?
wait, so you’re saying there are people who don’t like purple Gatorade?
Orange. Ok at least we’re getting more mainstream now. I love orange Gatorade. Probably my 4th favorite Gatorade behind Frost, Cool Blue, and Tropical Mango Gatorade AM.
Orange again. Or is that yellow? What if it looks different under different lights? Do we have a Gatorade analyst on the field to let us know for sure? Or is it just up to your book in which case you’ll never see a penny if you have orange or yellow? Because it looks straight yellow coming out of the cooler, then orange as it cascades to the turf. Confusing to say the least.
Lemon Lime. Interesting.
Clear. What’s that called again? Gatorade Ice? Do they make that shit anymore? I don’t think so or else I’d have ten cases in my kitchen. Straight fire Gatorade. Oh maybe it’s water. Yeah water makes more sense.
So as you can see, it’s a total crapshoot. Feel like you’re getting great value with blue at +800, long layoff, maybe time to give blue the shine it deserves. But playing the numbers blue virtually never happens and it’s way too much of a risk with the type of big bucks you’re laying down. Gonna go with my gut. Clear/Water FTW.
Clear/ Water (+125)
How many times will it be referred to as the HarBowl?
Ok I’ve been waiting for this one. This is one of those bets that people don’t really get and don’t really read the rules for. They watch ESPN for 2 weeks leading up to the game and watch all the human interest stories and read all the cutesy articles on Yahoo and say omg the HARbowl, I get it, that’s so cute lol, because it’s like their name, the Super Baugh haha! Too funny. No way they don’t mention that every 4 minutes throughout the game because it’s just so clever and applicable! They’ll bang that out in the first video montage and I’ll be rich. But the thing is, if you can read rules you know obviously videos and prerecorded shit doesn’t count. It’s just straight up mentions throughout the broadcast. And I just don’t see a couple of professional broadcasters saying “HarBowl” more than 2 times.
HOWEVER, let’s not forget we got Phil Simms on the game. One of the worst in the biz. Definitely can see a scenario where Nantz mentions HarBowl in his opener then Simms just repeats it over and over again on loop without even realizing he’s doing it. That’s the risk you run here. Phil Simms. And honestly I think Phil Simms gets the over here all by his dumb self.
Will Beyonce have straight or curly hair?
What I’m going to do here is go with straight common sense, and hope that Beyonce has that. But who knows. She lip synched the Inaugauration so who knows what goes on in that bitch’s head. But assuming that she owns a mirror and 2 eyeballs that have the ability to look at it I will present you with evidence:
One is not hot. One is super hot. One game is broadcast into like 60 gazillion homes. It’s called the Super Bowl and it’s what Beyonce is performing during and I’m going to assume she’s interested in looking hot as fuck. And yes these are the official examples from Bovada on what flies for curly and straight. Had to look it up just to clarify because chicks are crazy with all their weird hair styles and frankly I don’t even know what qualifies are curly and straight.
Who will MVP Thank First?
God. Everyone loves God. So, so much. Nobody is more popular than God. Worst case scenario for this bet is that Flacco wins because that guy doesn’t seem like the biggest God fan. He’d probably thank his dog or something since I’m pretty sure he hates Baltimore for constantly shitting on him, his teammates for how they always used to shit on him, and his parents since his dad called him dull to every media outlet. But I’m banking on a Kaepernick MVP which would result in him thanking God approximately 1,450 times before commercial while flexing Psalm 2:7 on his bicep and kissing it.
And introducing the easiest money of the Super Bowl prop bet scene…
How long will the coaches post-game handshake last?
This has the possibility of being the shortest post-game handshake in the history of the Super Bowl. Picture Jim Harbaugh. Picture John Harbaugh. Going to set records for “amount of bitterness palpable through a TV screen.” I’d be surprised if they even do a man hug. Just quick grasp and dip out to the locker room. Might just skip the handshake altogether and stand at the other sideline and text the other one “fuck u.”
Under 7.5 seconds
So good luck to everyone as always and if you have some can’t-miss prop bets of your own leave them in the comments. I’m always looking to get rich.