Barstool Sports

The other day I found myself watching Tru TV at 11 AM because I have the viewing habits of an 83 year old widow, and I suddenly realized that it was 2 in the afternoon and I had finally found the woman I am going to marry. I know Casey Anthony will probably be crushed, but there’s a new murdering psychopath making the cable news rounds, and she’s the girl I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.  Her name is Jodi “With An ‘I’ ” Arias, and she’s on trial because she shot her boyfriend in the head twice, stabbed him 29 times, slit his throat and literally redefining the word “overkill” in the process. Now in most cases, the batshit insanity defense crossed with the Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls/sexy librarian looks would warrant a quick jerk before changing the channel to The Price is Right. But this case is different, because her entire defense is centered around how much she sex they had before she killed him. That’s not an exaggeration. This chick has been on national TV for the past week talking about how much she loved getting eaten out and doing something called the “Provo Push” where Mormons get naked in bed and dry hump, which is perfect because I go to a Catholic school and think actually sex is icky too. Apparently she’s trying to convince the jury that she fell victim to a cult leader and finally snapped after two years of manipulation, which would be a fantastic argument if her mugshot didn’t look like this:

That’s not a “I’m so sad I was wrongfully arrested for murder” mugshot, that’s a “I killed him and it’s the most turned on I’ve ever been” mugshot. I know that after that she can probably only achieve orgasm by murdering a person, but I’m willing to take that chance because there’s nothing more erotic than sleeping with someone and knowing there’s always a chance she could snap and kill you in three separate but equal ways. I just hope she gets off so we can do the same thing til death do us part (and by “death do us part” I mean “she stabs me in the brain with an ice pick).