Here’s a nice little list of everything the 2012 graduates of Stool U need to know…
- You’re not special. Sucks to hear but it’s true. Don’t bedazzle your cap. Don’t wear goofy socks and outfits under your gown. Don’t have overt celebrations planned for when you finally get your diploma. Your parents should be happy, you should mourn. They’ve finally wiped you from their ledger. You ever paid your own cell phone bill? Well you do now. It sucks.
- Travel. Now. The other day I had the realization that while my life is less than one third over, I will most likely never have time to see Asia. I didn’t even fucking know I wanted to go to Asia. But the fact that I’m only 23 and will never have enough time off from work to go really hit me hard.
- Get out of your parents house. You have become accustomed to a certain style of living the last 4 years, and so have they. It doesn’t matter if you have to go in with 8 friends on a 2 bedroom, get out now. You’ll be poor and you’ll live in squalor, but it still beats trying to find sneaky places to fuck and having your parents on your ass all the time.
- No one will EVER care about your GPA. If you worked hard in school and didn’t drink or mingle with hardcore party goers and just studied and focused on your grades, you fucked up. You’ll be working for them. Because no one cares if you got a 3.8 GPA. The dude with the 2.7 who knows how to talk to people is getting your job.
- You just lived in fantasy land. You roamed the campus, eating and drinking and fucking whatever you wanted. Then you slept until you had to hit “Snooze” on your noon alarm and it was all better. The food didn’t give you a gut, the hangover was nonexistent and the girl had shown herself out. That is all over. A pizza at 3 AM takes a month to work off. Saturday night’s hangover lasts until Monday afternoon. And that girl still in your bed either gave you an STD or wants to marry you. Decide which is worse on your own.
- When you fill out your resume: lie. A lot. As long as you’re not running for public office, no one will ever find out.
- Don’t worry about money right away. Have fun. The early few years of adulthood get a bad rep. A lot of fun can be had with you and your friends living together, being dirt poor and trying to make it.
- Live in a metropolitan city. Whether it be NYC, Boston, LA, Chicago, DC, or wherever. Make sure you spend some time living in a big city.
- At about 25 girls start caring less about partying and more about when they’re going to have kids. You’re racing against a biological clock right now and the tortoise doesn’t win this race. Fuck like a jack rabbit.
- Don’t skimp on toilet paper, bed sheets, or cable. Everything else is whatever. You can get by on Ramen noodles and cheap beer. A rash on your asshole will ruin your week.
- Forget all about “vacations.” If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll earn one and you can go to a motel down the street for your 25th birthday. Thanksgiving break, Christmas vacation, Spring break, the summer. Those are all dead. “Thanksgiving break” is now the time you spend sitting in traffic going from work to your parents’ house for your first home cooked meal in months. Christmas vacation involves you spending money on more presents than you receive. Spring means rain, not Mexico. And summer is just you sweating at your desk.
- Finally, wherever you live get a “home bar.” Have one watering hole, preferably an Irish pub, where you walk in and everybody knows your name. Where the bartender knows what to fix you as soon as you walk through the door and gives you a shot on the house on your way out. There’s always camaraderie over drinking, that’s the one thing that doesn’t change after college.
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