Barstool Sports

Wonkette – Mesa resident Holly Solomon thinks it’s her husband’s fault that President Obama was re-elected last week, because he didn’t vote.  Not only does Solomon, 28, have a thorough misunderstanding of our nation’s electoral system, she also ran over her husband with her car because of this, according to Gilbert police.  In an e-mail to media, Gilbert police Sergeant Jesse Sanger says the argument started in a parking lot Saturday morning over Daniel Solomon’s lack of voter participation.  “According to Daniel, Holly believed her family was going to face hardship as a result of President Obama’s re-election,” Sanger says.

I’m on Team Holly so hard right here.  That election shit was confusing as FUCK.  All those numbers and percentages and red states and blue states and color maps.  Chuck Todd babbling in my earhole about calling states with only 51% of votes in while others were too close to call with 99% of votes in.  And the Electoral College?  What’s up with that?  People like Holly and me just sit there waiting to see if it’s the picture of the white guy or the black guy that has the checkmark next to him.  That’s all we know.   So when Romney lost?  Simple equation.  A) Not enough votes for Romney + B) Your deadbeat lazy husband didn’t bother to go vote for Romney = C) Run his unpatriotic ass over and over with your fucking Jeep Wrangler.  That’ll teach him a lesson plus on the bright side his healthcare will be pretty much covered.