Barstool Sports

BELMONT, N.C. — An intense situation unfolded inside of a Belmont hotel on Saturday. Authorities say 61-year-old Fredrick Denney barricaded himself inside his room at the Hampton Inn, threatening to shoot at police. According to officials, Denney caused a disturbance at the hotel earlier Saturday morning. Multiple agencies including the Regional SWAT Team responded to the scene on Cecilia Alexander Drive. Officials shut down the second floor of the hotel as they tried to reason with Denney. NewsChannel 36 has learned his demands included pizza and to marry Paris Hilton.

This is officially the worst list of demands in the history of standoff negotiations.  Hands down.  I mean it’s not even close.  Pizza Hut?  What were you not in the mood for Domino’s Artisan?  Horrible.  Like maybe it’s acceptable for late night drunk munchies but not your last meal that’s for sure.  And Paris Hilton?  What is this ’03?  Bitch is a nobody.   Plus chick fucking sucks at sucking dick.  Serves 0 purpose.   Baffling to say the least….

Actually you know what?  Now that I think about it this may be the most genius list of demands of all time.  Like maybe Fredrick Denney is actually a criminal mastermind of the highest order after all.   Probably was in some deep deep shit and needed a way out.  Yeah, check it out.   We ask for a whole bunch of airplay or whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff.  That way we can plead insanity later.  67 copies of Moby Dick.  Disgusting Pizza Hut pies.  Being in the same room as Paris Hilton.  We got a killer list.  Nobody in their right mind would want those things.  Insanity here I come!