Barstool Sports

QC Times – Rock Island police arrested a man found naked and covered in cooking spray early Monday in the downtown area. Officers responded to the call of a naked man at 3:27 a.m. in the 2200 block of 3rd Avenue, where they found him carrying a pair of shorts. Rock Island Deputy Chief of Police Jeff VenHuizen said the man, Chad William Forber, 41, of Blue Grass, told officers he had taken off his shorts because they were too big and would not stay on. “He said he had been dropped off somewhere on 11th Street and that he had walked to the area where he was apprehended,” VenHuizen said. “He had lathered himself up in Crisco. He was covered in grease, and was holding the can under his arm. “He said he was looking for a place to party,” VenHuizen added.

I don’t know what kind of party Chad William Forber is going to but I need to be mailed an invitation and given an address ASAP because this shit sounds top notch.  Seriously I’m so sick of my usual party scene.  Bougie clubs with douchie Europeans in capris, $15 drinks, $8 beers even at the diviest of dives,  same crowds and same people.  I want to spice it up.  Maybe roll around in a little bit of Crisco, spray myself up to the eyeballs in Pam, maybe just dump an entire bottle of olive oil over my head, who knows.  Who knows what I’ll do.   I’ll get a little weird.  Nobody’s ever said Kmarko isn’t willing to fucking throw down.   Bottom line is I don’t just want to party with Chad William, I need to party with Chad William.  Ain’t no party like a Crisco party cuz a Crisco party don’t stop.