Barstool Sports

EUGENE, Ore. (KMTR) — Eugene Police Property Crimes Detectives have arrested 21-year-old Antone Forrest Deedward Owens of Eugene after investigating a series of cases where the suspect broke into homes – sometimes on multiple occasions – and used the residents’ computers to access Internet pornography sites. Owens was charged with three counts of Burglary in the First Degree (occupied dwelling), one count of Burglary in the First Degree, Menacing and Coercion. On March 20, 2012, Eugene Police responded to a burglary in progress in the 2200 block of Van Buren in which the female resident reported returning to her locked home only to find it had been entered. Her computer was on, displaying pornography on the monitor. She also found lubricant, towels and a cell phone nearby.

Hey Antone.  ”Incognito Window.”  Look it up bro.  Seriously time to enter the 21st century my brotha.  Chrome or bust.    Like I get what you’re going through.  Nothing worse than when your girlfriend sits down at your laptop to check out some hot new pop music video and the web browser auto-fill for www.YOU ends a different way than she expected.   That’ll lead to an uncomfortable chat and a half.  Makes you want to scale a fence and disable an alarm or two to log on to your neighbor’s computer while they sleep to keep that search history clean.   Just got to keep up with the tricks of the  internet masturbation trade and you can avoid all this pesky stuff like first degree burglary.

PS – I like how he doesn’t half ass at it either.  Got the lube and cum rags all set up.  Like he could easily just sneak in, rub out a speed round, and bounce before the cops get called.  But that’s no way to masturbate.  Got to take your time and fully immerse yourself for the experience.  Only thing missing was the Bose noise canceling headphones but then again maybe they were around his neck.