Barstool Sports

News – A quiet recluse who died with $200 in his bank account surprised Carson City, Nev. officials when they were inspecting his run-of-the mill home to put it up for sale. Inside Walter Samaszko Jr.’s 1,200-square-foot house, officials found stashes of gold coins and bullion. $7 million worth of it. “You never anticipate running into anything like this,” Carson City Clerk-Recorder Alan Glover told the Los Angeles Times.” This guy was everybody’s next-door neighbor.” Glover told the Tahoe Daily Tribune that several boxes of coins were found all neatly wrapped in aluminum foil in Samaszko’s garage. “There were dos-pesos smaller than a dime, five-peso coins, $20 gold pieces, gold sovereigns, Austrian ducats, Krugerrands,” Glover said. “You name it, (he) had it.” He had so much gold it took two trips on wheelbarrows to haul it out, the Daily Tribune reported. Officials also searched crawl spaces and used a metal detector in his yard to ensure they found all the gold, according to the Daily Tribune.

All I could think about reading this story is how pumped I am for that weirdo introverted distant cousin I have to die and I find out he’s got like King Tut’s tomb buried under his living room floorboard.  Yeah sorry I used to pants you all the time around the Hannukah table but thanks for the loot brah.  I’ll spend it in good health.

No joke this is awesome though.  Salty old timer just absolutely HATED the government so he kept $7 million in gold coins and fuckin bullion lying around his crib.  Wanna tax me Obama?  Ha, check out this backstroke I’m doing in my Scrooge McDuck money pit suckers!

Now cue the motherfucking music!