Daily Mail – A 23-year-old man was arrested at a Walmart yesterday after flashing his breast implants at fellow shoppers before spitting blood at police. Jeremy Owens, from Pennsylvania, was arrested for his alleged bizarre behavior at the Lackawanna County store. Police found him on a local bus which he then refused to get off. After he was arrested and put into a police car, Owens, who calls himself ‘Jamie’ banged his head against the window and cut himself, which allowed him to spit blood at officers.
Not going to lie I got a little confused when I first read this story about a dude getting arrested for flashing his breast implants at customers. But then I remembered we’re talking about Wal Mart. Literally the only place that, not only could this happen, but it’s expected to happen. I mean I don’t think I would ever in good faith go to Wal Mart without at least anticipating just a little bit that some 23 year old man would show me his tits and spit on me. Like how when you go to a fantasy sci fi movie you kind of have to suspend your disbelief for a little bit and just go with it because it’s not real. That’s Wal Mart. The last bastion of freedom for all types of freaks and weirdos and deviants to show up and explore their inner socially unacceptable behavior. You have a strange desire to put your oldest sweatsuit on, steal a dildo and condoms off the shelf and masturbate in the bathroom? Head to Wal Mart. Want to be a bro with fake tits flashing them at strangers and spitting at cops? Head to Wal Mart. That’s what it’s there for. Save money. Live better. Be a freak pervert with tits.
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