Barstool Sports

WHITEHALL, Ohio - A man is facing an aggravated arson charge after allegedly setting a clothing rack on fire inside of a store as a diversion to steal items overnight Tuesday.  Whitehall police said it is one of the most extreme cases of attempted theft they have ever seen.  According to Whitehall detectives, a man was riding a motorized shopping cart inside of the Walmart, located at 3657 E. Main St., when he set a clothing rack of fire.  Kevin E. Gillman, 26, is charged in the case after detectives tracked him down.  At nearly 500 pounds, Gillman was on a motorized scooter when he allegedly planned to steal electronics and safes, according to authorities.  Detectives said the suspect set the fire by using paint from the store as an accelerant.  The diversion forced employees to pull an alarm. The suspect tried to sneak out in the chaos, but chose a locked door. Police said that forced him to ditch his items and leave in a white car.  “It blows my mind that someone would endanger the lives of hundreds of people in that store to get away with virtually a petty theft,” said Det. Sgt. Daniel Kelso, Whitehall Division of Police.

God I love Wal Mart.  No I don’t mean I love Wal Mart in the way that like, I enjoy being in a Wal Mart, or in a 10 mile radius of a Wal Mart.  Just the fact that it exists.  The fact that Wal Mart is in the world, in places far away from me.  It’s kind of like Florida in that regard.  Wal Mart and Florida go hand in hand, two peas in a pod.  A virtual bottomless pit of blog material.  I mean if I told you there was a 500 pound man riding a motorized scooter around stealing cheap electronics then setting clothing racks on fire using paint from the store as an accelerant what would be your first thought?  Oh what Wal Mart was that.  The one in Ohio?  Makes sense.  Fucking Wal Mart.   A paradise for the bowels of humanity.