Barstool Sports

CBS- A Detroit man accused of threatening to kill his Warren girlfriend mounted his defense by song. Callius Moon is facing two felony charges: malicious destruction of fire or police property and resisting or obstructing a police officer. As he was arraigned Tuesday in Warren District court via video feed from a city lock up, Moon began telling his story in a freestyle rap. He sang that people were trying to “put it on [him],” among other things. He then offered a few additional verses in which he began to use profanity. It was then that District Judge John Chmura told Moon “that’s good” and the “show’s over.” Moon has requested a court-appointed attorney.

Classic mistake by Callius Moon pulling out this move so early in the court proceedings. In most cases this would be a terrible idea no matter what the circumstances, but in most cases we’re not talking about Detroit. No matter what Chrysler commercials would have you believe, it’s basically a few budget cuts away from becoming the movie Robo Cop without the Robo Cop. The rules of the real world don’t apply there. And not to generalize but to absolutely generalize, if you decide to rap about why you’re innocent chances are that at least some of the people ending up on the jury in a Detroit courtroom are going to appreciate the effort Sure, a jury of your peers might include a racist old man who’s pissed that he had to take a day off from fixing the Ford in his garage, but if you get an aspiring B-Rabbit and decide to spit your opening statement, it’s basically game over. But if you log into the video conference for your arraignment hearing and see that the judge looks like this:

it might be time to reevaluate your strategy, because someone who wears a tie like that isn’t going to appreciate a broke ass Immortal Technique trying to weave a shitty defense argument in his courtroom. I’ve found that a good rule of thumb is unless it’s Judge Dre residing in the case of NWA versus the police department, leave your bars at home and instead let someone who passed bar do the talking for you.