Barstool Sports

AW – Nadzeya Ostapchuk, the Belarusian athlete who won the women’s shot title at the London 2012 Olympics, has tested positive for a banned substance and will have her gold medal taken away from her. Ostapchuk, 31, put together her best ever series at a major championships to defeat world champion Valerie Adams of New Zealand. With four throws over 21 metres, Ostapchuk’s 21.36m was the best winning mark at the Olympics since 1988. But the IOC today announced that Ostapchuk had given a urine sample the day before the final and one after the final. Both samples showed traces of the banned substance metenolone, an anabolic steroid. It means that Adams will move into the gold medal position, her second Olympic title following her victory in Beijing four years prior.

Get the fuck out!  No way!  Nadzeya Ostapchuk was juicing?  That petite little sweetheart?  I don’t believe it.  I refuse to believe it.  Completely normal for a chick to be  6’8 280 with bowling ball biceps and a permanent 5′oclock shadow.  Seems like the IOC just shit the bed on this one.    Most importantly through Stoolie teamwork we finally figured out the official Ostapchuk doppelganger.  3 way mix:

Ishmael Boorg

Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay

Sloth.

Boom, case closed.