Barstool Office Power Rankings: Week 7

ATTN: From the desk of the Editor-in-Chief:

Welcome back to everybody’s favorite new franchise, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. We’re closing in on 2 full months at the beautiful luxurious New York City office space, and just like everyone warned, it’s starting to feel pretty corporate around here. There are 150 bottles of Bacardi Oakheart lined up on the bar and 50% of the bloggers have vapes hanging out of their mouths. The bathroom door has a big open hole instead of a handle and there’s a 10 foot high fathead of Nate’s cartoon face hanging on the wall looking at me. My past 4 meals have been bagels. The meal before that one was donuts. There’s a guy pointing a camera at my face literally right now as I write this. He didn’t give me a cue or tell me to do anything so I’m just kind of like pretending everything is normal while being very self-conscious about my posture and how fast I’m typing. Riggs is in the other room talking to a political commentator about Syria while Smitty is filming Snapchats sniffing Ria’s hair to tell people what it smells like.

Welcome to Corporate America folks, there’s no going back now.

Anyway let’s get into it, the official Power Rankings for the week – the top performers overall, and the people who need to step their game up for next week.

POWER RANKINGS

6) Loud Sean

Bottom line is you don’t unearth footage of yourself on the Price Is Right in 2002 without getting a Power Ranking spot. New rule.

Not with that shirt on.

And not with this quote.

Unreal. Loud Sean and Milmore, the two most sneaky under the radar electric characters at Barstool.

5) Coley

Been a long time coming for Coley but it’s finally time for him to get his shine. I mean when you launch the new #38 sports podcast on the entire internet what other option is there than to be officially ranked?

Just a real glue guy around the office. Always behind the scenes, always lurking with his phone in his hand waiting to document you at your lowest moment for the Barstool Snapchat, always planted in front of the TVs catching every possible viral moment that ever happens.

Bleacher Report has 50+ people on social. We have Coley. And our account is 1 trillion times better.

Side note, was searching Google for his world famous blunt video, ended up having to settle with this image.

4) Office Manager Brett

Never in my life have I seen someone with such a burning passionate hatred for a water company. The guy has flat out dedicated his entire week to bitching out our water supplier for not delivering the water jugs on time. Don’t get me wrong, we needed some water around here, hydration is a major key to successful blogging and content creation. But at the same time nobody around here really cared that much about the water jugs. I mean we had water bottles. I don’t think I even knew there wasn’t a jug in the cooler to be honest.

But no no no. We would not have an empty motherfucking water cooler on Office Manager Brett’s watch. Absolutely love the dedication to making sure we don’t go thirsty.

Poor fucking water company. Brett has to deal with everyone bitching at him all week and demanding things all with a big smile on his face until it all builds up and he just unloads on someone.

3) KFC

Don’t want to blow too much smoke up KFC’s ass, the key to keeping everyone in line around the office is to never let them think they’re doing too good of a job. But it would just be plain irresponsible of me to not shout out his brand new franchise that has revolutionized the office: Bagel Fridays.

Just such an awesome concept. It’s Friday. Everyone’s hungry. Bagels are awesome. Let’s order a bunch for everyone and just go nuts. Morale shooting right through the fucking roof that already has holes in it and is leaking water on our technological equipment.

Also, doesn’t hurt he brought my #1 favorite pornography actress into the office to play with sex toys and talk about bondage for an entire day.

2) The Portnoys

Great week for the combo of Co-Worker Dave and his dad, the electric Mike Portnoy, Esq.

El Pres hitting Times Square to talk about the debate was my favorite #content of the week.

Telling these guys that they weren’t the “prototypical Trump voters” was laugh out loud, no offense.

And the People’s Lawyer doing another great spot on Pardon My Take and throwing out barrelfire political takes on Facebook Live during the debate.

I dare you to name another platform that covers the presidential race better than us.

1) Vape Boys

Big week for vaping. HUGE week. Brand new franchise courtesy of the Pardon My Take crew, what else is new. Quickly becoming a staple of the Barstool brand, taking things that were a hit a while ago, bringing them back and making them way cooler. Did it with the email newsletter. Now doing it with the vapes. I mean I know the commercials and the liberal media try to tell you that smoking doesn’t look cool but like, tell that to this visual evidence.

Little hint hint, wink wink to any possible companies in the industry out there BTW, this is the type of user experience we provide, not saying anything, just sayin.

And SVP is on board? Check mate.

Nicotine addiction has never been cooler.

Needs Improvement

The Bathroom Situation

So it’s been well documented I think, but the office bathroom situation is a disaster to begin with. Two bathrooms, both single occupancy. Both directly next to a row of desks for very important people. And I mean directly next to. Like, the doors brush their shoulders when they open. So that was awful to begin with.

Then we hired an attractive blonde girl and put her in that row which instantly raised office stress levels to never before seen levels. You could practically feel the anxiety in the air. Guys tensing up when they saw her put her jacket on so that they could sprint over to claim a stall as soon as she left for the day.

And now?

There is no fucking handle on one of the doors.

Sales Guy Jay got his ass locked in there for 45 minutes and they had to cut the damn thing off. Instantly rendering this bathroom unusable. Not only is there no handle, as you can see there is also a gigantic hole giving full view to everyone. A piss bathroom for the brave but certainly not a safe space to go #2. So now we’re down to 1 bathroom, and everyone knows exactly what’s happening with anyone who spends longer than 2 minutes in there. DISASTER.

On the bright side I just never go anymore and am finally gaining some weight.

My Intern Hubbs

Decided it was finally time to bring an intern in to help me out. Never really wanted one because I hate delegating and am a perfectionist so I need to do everything myself. Kind of remind myself of Michael Scott in that way – my biggest weaknesses are that I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job. But since Sales Guy has 6 interns and I’m not sure even what his job is I finally said fuck it, let’s get one of these eager little fuckers in here to do some of my bitch work for me. Enter Hubbs. This was the first interaction that we had.

Never heard of GChat. Not like, didn’t have a Gmail account. Had no idea what it even was. Trying to think of a major technological product used by millions upon millions of people that I just have no idea of its existence, can’t do it. Fucking interns man.

Bright side for this one also, he did a pretty good job and made my life a lot easier. So that was nice. As long as he doesn’t ask me what The Facebook is or something consider him hired.

Chaps

I almost didn’t want to mention this because it hurts too much to talk about but since it’s my job to talk about the inner workings of Barstool I guess I have to. Do people know what Chaps did earlier this week? After spending a weekend with the PMT boys he hits me up on chat and tells me he’s quitting Barstool U to blog for Chicago instead. Said he just needed to be set free. Didn’t want me hovering over his shoulder editing his work anymore. It’s not you it’s me.

AKA just spent the weekend chilling with the Pardon My Take Crew and want to be friends with them instead. Just so hurtful to see a friend do that to you you know? Like I know I’m not Big Cat but I think I’m ok?

Check out KFC and Clem’s new podcast by the way.

Spags

No shame. Just an unbelievably savage passive aggressive way of announcing your birthday to the world and the office.

But hey can’t argue with results.

Caleb

Get a load of this shit.

Got this out of the blue last night. Just my boy Caleb checking in saying hi from the road on the Natty Tour. Thought it was the nicest thing ever, couple of buds having a little Twitter convo.

Stupid me.

Unbelievable. Should have known. Everyone’s got an ulterior motive when the Power Ranker is involved. In fact I’m starting to think that I might not actually have any real friends at all, the people who hang out with me are only interested in their office standing on Fridays.

+1 for branding though.

CEO Erika

I’m all for Twitter battling asshole companies. Going after the next door coffee shop over 1 dollar and 41 cents is where I draw the line.

Office Guest Of The Week

Lot of good ones this week.

The one and only SE Cupp.

The one and only Michael Rapaport.

The one and only Rude Jude.

The one and only Asa Akira.

The one and only Chase Rice.

But the hands down winner:

Cat Lady. In a sling. Pure electricity.

…

That’s it for this week’s Power Rankings, see everyone next Friday. In the meantime sign up for the newsletter, download the app, buy a shirt, subscribe to #BlogMusic, buy a vape and start vaping.

Also check out this hard hitting journalism from the NY Post. Peace!