A Yankee Fan in Boston’s “Do’s and Dont's” for 2007
Well it's been 10 years now since I voluntarily transplanted myself from southern Connecticut deep into the heart of Red Sox Nation. Not to get too personal, but for those new to The Stool - yes, I root for the Enemy. Save your middle fingers and "Arod sucks" chants for the next Barstool party. I know Arod sucks. However, this article is not specifically intended for those who root for the home town team. This one is for the many Yankee fans who risk their lives, or at least their jobs, each and every day when they walk into work, chest out, chin up - with the updated Yankee Magic Number at the tip of their tongues. For those new to the area, you might want to grab a pinstriped pen to take notes...
- DON'T Tell Chicks You Like the Yankees
At least not at first. Not kidding. Unless you're ON the team, and even then you might have some problems, telling girls you're a Yankee fan is not the best strategy when you meet them at a bar. A., right off the bat they won't trust you and B., they've been raised to hate you. Imagine being raised to hate someone? Well they have. It's hard to just reverse 25 years of learning with a couple of cheap shots and a common friend. It's certainly not impossible, but if you're hitting it off with a chick, Barstool recommends you hold off on the whole "I'm a Yankee fan" schtick until you've determined it's safe to disclose that kind of sensitive, potentially deal-breaking information. Again, not kidding.
- DON'T Defend Arod
This is by far the most upsetting thing I've heard in the last 2 years -- Yankee fans DEFENDING Arod! Are you fucking kidding me?! First of all, the man's had as many RBI's as YOU HAVE the past 2 post-seasons, and #2, hating Arod is the one thing you have in common with your Red Sox fan friends. I wouldn't mess with it. It's like Republicans and Democrats agreeing to put aside their differences to hate the French. It's amazing that in 100 year rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox, hating Arod is the one thing MOST people seem to agree on. While 100% of Red Sox Nation despises him, there's still a small faction of Yankee fans who, for some reason, keep defending him. Note to those people: STOP defending him. Your only chance of seeing another World Series in the Bronx is he opts of his contact at the end of this season. And everyone, including your captain, knows that. So please, get on board with the rest of us. I haven't seen anyone this un-clutch in a Yankee uniform since Matt "4-6-3" Nokes in '91.
- DON'T Brag About Winning the Division
Since I was 6 years old my dad always told me, "Son, there's 3 guarantees in life. Death, taxes, and gettin' blown at a Bob Seger concert." Well dad, we can finally add a 4th - the Yankees will win the A.L. East. Mark it down. But what does that matter? Unfortunately, nothing. Sure it means the Yanks had the best team over a 162 game season - that used to count for something. But the way baseball is setup now, it's meaningless. Any Yankee fan who brags about winning the division, and is serious about it, is an idiot. I just wouldn't recommend this tactic, especially when you lose in the 1st round to the Tigers.
- DO Brag About Finishing 11 games Ahead of the Sox
This one's completely legitimate. If you're going to boast about anything, I'd use the fact that the Yankees were without Matsui, Sheffield and Cano for most of 2006 and still finished 11 games ahead of the relatively healthy, 3rd place Boston Red Sox. I might throw in the 5 game sweep at Fenway too. Again, while the Sox failed to make the playoffs in '06, the Yankees were knocked out in the first round so you can't get too crazy about this. But if a Red Sox fan is incessantly trash-talking you for whatever reason, this one's a no-brainer. There's nothing they can say to counter it. Again, the 5 game sweep thing works too.
-DO Counter "The Yankees Overpay for Players" Argument with JD Drew's Salary
When I first saw what the Red Sox paid for JD Drew on the ESPN "Bottom Line" at a local bar this winter, I remember literally almost falling down. I was in shock. AND I was drunk, which is a scary combination. What's even scarier is that Sox actually paid $14 million a year for JD Drew. $14 MILLION! As Yankee fans, we've had to hear Sox fans complain about the Yankees overpaying for players for years, but if it wasn't official before, it is now - the Red Sox overpay too. $14 million a year is an insane amount of money for a career underachiever. Of course it's not our money so who cares, but I think finally we've seen the last rock thrown from the glass house of Red Sox Nation.
- DON'T Believe the Dice-K Hype
First of all it's America, everything is over-hyped. Yes, Dice-K is going to get more standing ovations than Bob Barker the next few months (pause to bid $1) but keep in mind a few things, the first couple of months are traditionally when the Red Sox play their best ball so he should rack up some wins, and more importantly two, his first time around the league he really should dominate opposing hitters. This will not be a surprise to anyone. By season's end though, I'm penciling Dice-K in for 15 wins. Getting people out in late August at Yankee Stadium is going to be a little different than mid-June in the Tokyo Dome. Just ask Hideki Irabu.... or as Stuart Scott once called him after he gave up a 9,000 foot homerun, "Hideki Ira BOO-YEAH". Again, not kidding...
Well there you have it, the Yankee Fan in Boston's "Do's and Don'ts" for the '07 season. Yankee fans in the area -- live it, learn it, study it if you must. Just don't let anyone catch you reading it.