Worst Ways to Pickup Chicks
Through the years I’ve seen many a man FAIL in his attempt to leave a bar with the girl, woman or cougar of his dreams. Why is this? Well there are a lot of reasons, many of which you don’t need me to tell you. But I will anyway: you’re too ugly, have no personality, smell like the track and have what experts call “negative game”. But let’s pretend you’re lacking in all 4 of said “problem areas” and still, somehow, find yourself going home empty-handed. So to speak. Well today, thanks to careful study and observation the greater part of 10 years, I feel like I can help those falling short. Those, not reaching certain “expectations” they may or may not have set for themselves at the beginning of their life. So without further ado, here are the worst things you can possibly do when trying to pickup chicks at the bar.
“Playing Keno”
In the history of my life I’ve never once seen a man playing Keno leave the bar with a girl OTHER than his wife, girlfriend or neglected daughter. It’s just never happened. I challenge anyone out there to present to me a Keno-playing man who has successfully gotten ass. Nothing against Keno, it’s a great game fun for the whole family and actually help fund The Great Wall, but for whatever reason chicks don’t dig a scratch-ticket covered table of 4 drunks cursing the government and yelling, “No paint ball! No paint ball! AWWW!!” every 5 minutes. Again, great game – and by great I mean terrible. It’s just not all that conducive in picking up anyone other than non-chain smoking degenerate cougars… (pause to cue, “Barracuda”…)
“Grinding your junk”
I went-in on a Newport house this summer and made my way to several (2) dance floors. And not to my surprise, just like in Boston, dudes were going up to girls and hardcore grinding their junk all over them. I want to stress that this exercise had an extremely LOW success rate. Yes, worse than Eli Manning on 3rd down. Maybe 2-3 years ago the grinding of the junk was sort of “avant-garde”, but not so much anymore. Girls seemed to be giving dudes “the Heisman” whenever they did this. Regular dancing was still working at a relatively high clip, as was standing by the fan and safety dancing, but the excessive junk-grinding really seemed to be failing by all accounts.
“Telling the truth”
True story – a few years ago I was waaaay out of my realm downstairs at “Sanctuary”, and a girl approached me and asked what I did for work. I told her my real job and of course she immediately walked away. Two hours and nine beers later, she came up to me again and asked the same question. This time I said, “I’m a doctor.” Next thing I know we were hardcore grinding to Garth Brooks’ “Friends in Low Places” in front of everyone on the dance floor. It was very interesting to say the least, and a valuable lesson in sociology/alcohol. I’m not saying flat-out lie, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend telling the truth.
“Not talking to anybody”
If you go to a bar and not talk to anybody you probably won’t be getting too many MySpace addresses. The math just doesn’t add up. You’re going to have to sell the ole’ “I’m interesting enough that girls will approach me” angle. Haha! You’re watching Pot Limit Omaha from 2004. How do you think your night’s going to end up? At least try talking to someone other than yourself and your buddies. You never know. Worse case you watch Men the Master spit Corona all over the table…
“Going home”
Similar to not talking to anybody, you’re not going to get too many chicks if you keep going home. I’ve seen this many a time – guy talks to girl, girl talks to guy, guy decides… to go home! Dude, where you going? There’s no possible way you have something else to do. Its 1 a.m. on a Thursday. This isn’t Baghdad - there’s no curfew. Who’s your dad, Bobby Knight? I’m not sure what the deal is on this one… I just know if you keep going home you’re not going to get too many chicks.
“Talking about your fantasy team”
There can’t be a worse topic of conversation than fantasy sports when talking to girl(s) you might be interested in. Please trust me on this one. Whether it be the 55 yard receiving touchdown from Correll Buckhalter, or the Tony Romo for John Kitna trade you made the other day, it completely kills everything. I heard a dude try this the other night -- I wasn’t even involved in the conversation and I wanted to kick the kid in the shin. I almost rather he played Keno. Almost. The only possibility is if she’s IN your fantasy league and you’re either A., trying to marry her or B., trying to finagle an obviously one-sided deal. Or both. But other than that, it’s just brutal…
“Playing Golden Tee”
Finally, I’ve never seen human beings as focused as those playing Golden Tee. But like playing Keno, you might as well be walking around with a padlock around your crotch. Obviously it’s an anti-social game. One that sucks you in - because everybody knows you can’t just play 1 game of Golden Tee. You end up popping in $60 - the next thing you know its 5 hours later, you just played 72 holes and the girl who you were talking to earlier is leaving with your buddy. Personally I hate Golden Tee because A., like in real golf, I have a horrible slice which I can’t correct, and B., there’s too much of an injury risk. I remember our right-centerfielder in softball last year hurt his back trying to hit the green in 2 on a par 5. I mean, c’mon. It’s a video game! Stick with something safer like Erotic Photo Hunt. Now there’s something girls might like.